Hey folks, I'm so sorry that I dropped this post and then disappeared! Brian and I were in South Carolina for a speaking engagement but due to the Tropical Storm Debby, we had a few setbacks. We're safe and sound, no worries, but we couldn't quite get home so we moved inland to wait it out. I'll get caught up soon. I just didn't want anyone to worry that I wasn't chiming in or paying attention. I've read all your precious comments and I'll start responding soon. The funny thing is that, while I felt a bit guilty, when I showed up here, I saw something so beautiful: you're looking after each other, paying attention to each other, and holding space. What a lovely thing. Big thank you to everyone who is reading comments and responding to each other in all of these big "here I am" moments. I'll be back here with you soon!
Hello to pancreatic cancer and limited time left. Our big organic garden, still kindly tended by my sweet husband, has almost nothing in it that I can eat and he's not eating much for vegetables without me to prep them. Dropping all kinds of inconsequential things from my life. Waiting for the next treatment. Not exercising at all because it uses calories and I'm preserving energy. I've been able to accept this from the first news, accept that it's true. And while I know that life is not fair, it's hard to look around at people with very unhealthy lifestyles when we have lived so clean for so long. My sister asked if I was angry and I'm not except for one thing. Years ago we moved from a fundamentalist Church to a moderate Evangelical Church, and still, the ridiculous messages about how you'll get to testify about Jesus more than any time in your life are really pissing me off. I'm done with those people and leaning into the people who are loving and caring and kind. I'm hoping for a miracle but not counting on a miracle, if that makes sense. Trying everyday to do a thing or two that will make life easier for my husband, especially Financial, and staying connected to close friends and family. For those of you who pray, I'd appreciate it.
As Kendall said, this is so damn beautiful and so damn hard. I would like to give anyone who is giving you those ridiculous messages a Paddington Bear VERY HARD STARE of rebuke, too. I'm holding you in prayer, Cynthia. You are so courageous but I wish you didn't have to be. Sending lots of love today.
This is so damn beautiful and hard. YOU are so beautiful, even though I don't know you. It shines right through. You have full permission to punch anyone in the face who tells you that "everything happens for reason" or somesuch nonsense. May you find softness and peace, may you find the world and life to be more radiant than ever before, may you find places to weep and rage and wail. All of it, dear friend, feel all of it. Sending so much love.
You have my whole sympathy. When my brother died, people in my evangelical college began looking at me as though I was some kind of sage or wise figure, when I was what we all are or have been or will be: someone mourning the loss of someone they loved. The people talking about your testimony are like the people who thought I should write a book: consumerist Christians who think more of the value of the brand than they do about individual people.
God be with you, and may your time be filled with loving friends who surround you, grace to sustain you, and love to keep you.
Dear Cynthia, may God continue to whisper grace into your ear as you live kindly toward your husband, helping him survive this. And may you be surrounded with affection, laughter, wisdom, and love all the days of your life. Amen.
Cynthia. This is me. My Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2022 just as my second child was born. She has always lived a healthy life and still. She passed away a year later and we were grateful for the time having also accepted and knowing life isn’t fair. I am still dealing with anger at God, at her church friends who sent her messages like “if he leads you to it, he’ll see you through it” and saying that it would make her stronger with God. I don’t want people to have to suffer for that to be true. I don’t believe suffering comes from God. These things just are. Please talk to anyone you can about how you are feeling as a caregiver. Praying for comfort, for little side effects from the treatment and for a miracle even though we don’t expect it for you and your husband. Sending so much love to you both ❤️
I'm really sorry about your Mum, Lauren. That's a hard loss. And I am so with you on the garbage spiritual-bypassing language that wants to spiritualize our pain and suffering. Sending lots of love to you, too.
This is impossibly difficult. And knowing that life isn’t fair doesn’t make it any easier when the unfairness hits you or your family. I am hoping your life is filled with beauty and laughter and miracles—tiny ones and big ones too.
I will pray, Cynthia!! wow… mostly for community to show themselves during this time!! And yes, by all means, dust your feet from anyone and everyone who doesn’t offer you unconditional love and support right now 💔🙏❤️🩹
Cynthia . . you have a hard hard journey. My sister's name is Cynthia. She suffered a very difficult cancer for 5 years going to Jesus 3 days after her birthday in February. You sound like her. Living as fully as possible each moment. She continued to smile no matter what was going on. It felt to me very much what I believe Jesus says is possible. She did have down moments and some fear, but she kept coming back to joy. I found it extraordinary. Even her last day she asked her husband to carry her out to see her garden, the new plants she asked the gardener to plant.
You are giving something to us. You know something about life we can't imagine. But we can see it in you. The courage. How you appreciate your husband, your family, friends. You will be who they remember when someone asks, who was the most important person you ever met?
I pray for you to experience vividly the presence of Jesus and the enormous lavish love, that you know you are home.
Yes, lean into those people who are loving and caring and kind. What a hard diagnosis. Praying for health and healing and rich conversations—and a spot of joy each day.
Hugs. As I read this I’m thinking “on earth, as it is in heaven…”. You are preparing yourself and your hubby with loving care for what comes next. Peace be with you, and with us all, as we live a beautiful life filled with the wisdom of Jesus. More hugs.
My heart breaks for you and your sweet family! I’ve found in the hardest of times that leaning into those humble, loving people who care from their heart far outweighs those who want to explain, advice and in some hidden way blame!
May you be filled with the former and find God’s peace in the process.
I’m praying for your journey to be gentle and blessing you for simplifying things for your husband. I pray that, unlike my experience, he will be surrounded by people who love you both and will hold him up through the season of deep grief.
Feel free to be honest with the jerks who try to spiritualize your experience. Your struggle is REAL. You both need people around you who will hold space for the pain.
I'm so sorry. I hope you can let in the family and friends who lift you up, and dismiss those who are not wholly helpful. They are not worth your precious energy. Prayers for peace and comfort as you navigate this sadness.
My “here” is one of confusion, sadness but hopefully for peace. Over here in 🇬🇧 we have very recently had a number of racist riots happening in many of our towns. I feel the sadness of this deeply. My husband is Black African and a Muslim, I am White British, our child is mixed race and learning about both religions and cultures. We went to London (where I love) last night to the theatre and for the first time I was nervous. I wish I didn’t feel like that. But the three of us had a wonderful time in my favourite city. I am hopeful for light driving out the dark.
Holding this space with you, Han. As a Black American from the South, I know this nervousness deep in my bones. Joining you in hope for your country and mine and all in the global community. May Love and light prevail in our land. Peace be with you.
I too live in the south but am white. I am so ashamed that we have made no progress in these areas-in fact we are going backwards it seems. Sharing your desire for love & light but feeling pessimistic.
Also in the U.K. so angry at our press and the previous government for driving the division. With you in the sadness and hoping for justice alongside peace.
I've been following the UK news a lot and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It is scary times. May you have peace in your family and in ever-widening circles in your community and country.
Han, I am holding space for you and your beautiful country. I just returned home from there, yesterday. My friend and I were sightseeing in London a week ago. We walked through a gap between the protestors and counter-protesters. Thankfully, police were managing to keep the groups separate at that time.
My spirit was uneasy for the remainder of my trip and I grieve for the families of the dead and wounded. May peace return.
I'm in Canada, but I have a friend in Manchester who has been keeping me up to date on the protests. It's such a terrible, sad, unbelievable situation. I'm thinking about all of you. I'm glad you were able to enjoy your theatre night without incident, and that it has given you some hope.💗
Hello to separation from my husband of 14 years. And to trying to peer into the future of starting to school year coparenting our second grader and kindergartener in two different households. And to what I know I cannot allow in my marriage for what it does to my mind and body. And to all that this gaping wound does to our whole lives.
I'm there too, Rachel. 14 years and we finally said the words out loud- we're not sure we want to be married anymore. Our daughter starts kindergarten next week, and everything has suddenly shifted. Oof. I see you.
I see you! Went through this very thing in 2016 after 20 yr marriage and a child going into kindergarten. It is a challenge for sure but you will make it out the other side a happier person and you will be that solid foundation your children need.
I'm almost a year out from the end of a 17 year marriage. While we didn't have kids, I can empathize fully with the open wound and how it leaks into every single part of who you are. You're seen and loved.
that sounds so so difficult. I'm so glad you were able to put words to a need/pain that could have eaten away at you for much longer. (My parents are still together after 45 years of unhappiness.) I hope this is an easier year for you than the last <3
Hello to the new and unexpected "here I am" of that, Rachel. Sending lots of love your way. This is a whole new country of citizenship and it takes a while to get our feet under us, I pray it feels like home soon.
I see you, Rachel. I left my marriage of 13 years several years ago. I have 13 & 15 yr old sons that I homeschool. It upended all of our lives & still does on some days. But mostly, we feel the peace now that we never had before. I hope that for you & yours in the days to come as well.
Hello to pediatric oncology! I started as a chaplain in pediatric oncology a year ago, and for a good while, we had 1 or 2 out-of-hospital deaths. But about 4 months ago, we started a wave of patient deaths in the hospital that continues. I love working on the oncology floor because I play so much! I race scooters down the hall and play Uno and debate the finer points of Frozen mythology with my little patients. I listen to good music and color and laugh until I cry with my teenage patients. But then I also hold their hands and hug their moms and listen to stories from their dads when their time to say goodbye comes too soon. I'm slowly realizing that this constant state of goodbye even as I say hello almost every day is perhaps, what it means to be here, in this particular work.
Ashley, in my humble opinion, borrowing a concept from Dan Allender, I see your "beauty" expressed through your role as a chaplain in pediatric oncology.
Offering so much grace and goodness to you for the courage you have chosen to participate in life's hellos and goodbyes.
Ashley, thank you so much for what you do! I'm also planning to work in hospital chaplaincy. I completed my first unit of CPE last year and the hardest, hardest part as a mom of young children was child loss and fetal demise. I don't know if I could be brave enough to work in pediatric oncology. Hope you have good people around to take care of your heart.
God bless you and everyone on your unit. You will not be forgotten by the families you work with. You will be part of their story forever. You are creating a living legacy.
My 5 yo niece just completed treatment for her second cancer. I know how much my cousin/her mother and her family depend on all of the members of the care team. Thank you for giving of yourself this way 💚💜
Ashley, I am genuinely thanking God for you this morning. What a hard "here" and yet you embody grace and hope and love in it. Sending lots of love your way today!
Hello to a season of letting certain balls drop - I can run a small business and raise my small children but not keep a small garden alive at the same time. Poor bean plant and radishes, they were so pretty. It's hard for me to admit, but I don't actually have the capacity to do everything.
Hello and A-MEN to that, Rebecca! I applaud that realization, bravo. I want that freedom and permission you're modelling for all of us. Thanks for this!
Also, I cannot keep an indoor unkillable plant alive for love or money. I'm broken at the plants so if it's part of your "someday" or "next" stage, my envy and congrats!
I feel this deeply. Realizing I don't have the capacity to do it all is sometimes a daily internal conversation. Praying for a settled heart and contentment when you see those poor plants.
And if you ever decide to find space for plants again, a pothos is a great, forgiving indoor plant. It's the first and only plant I've ever kept alive.
Thank you for the sympathy and the recommendation! Indoor plants will probably have to wait till kids are older haha. And yeah, I definitely don't know my own capacity and I'm trying hard to be okay with saying no to things.
"Letting certain balls drop" is such a lovely phrase! I also have a hard time admitting I can do everything and do it all well all the time, but the idea of giving myself permission to letting a ball or two drop is so freeing 🩷 thank you for the reminder
YES! I’m learning the same although at a different time in life. I’ve always been a person who perseveres, works myself to exhaustion, etc. I’ve had to, but my health is breaking down & I cannot do it all anymore. It’s humbling & scary, yet freeing at the same time.
Oh how I resonate with you. I want to do everything and somehow feel bad when I can't. I know now when you let some balls drop that your life will be the richer for it. There will be later times when you can pick up some of the balls you dropped or een drop others.
I can’t remember where it originated, but I remember reading someone say they had to learn which balls were glass and which were rubber. What balls are okay to drop and they won’t break.
Yes, this is definitely not an idea original to me! I've heard it from several people and a quick Google search attributes it to a couple of different people, so I'm not sure where I heard it first.
I feel like maybe I heard it from Brene Brown possibly? Maybe? Anyways that notion and what you said resonates with so many which I think speaks more to us a society, and women especially, the ultimate superhero jugglers that can’t let anyone down ever and have everything on their shoulders.
yes to this! This is a lesson I have also been working on these past few years. Dropping balls used to feel like such failure. Now I look at it more as setting boundaries and putting the balls down on purpose. Maybe I will pick them up later, maybe I won't. <3
Thank you, Beth. I’m happy to be here. We’re living in my husband’s hometown, so we have some historical connections and the slower pace is most welcome.
Hello to being married but not ready for kids yet. Hello to being happy with my life, and not sure how and when to look to the next season. Hello to living in a big city and loving the walk to my ballet studio, the grocery store, the coffee shop, my job- and to the discontentment of an at times tiny apartment with no laundry and no parking space and no elevator up to our 4th floor.
I've never been happier or more myself, but everyone around me seems intent to rush to the next thing. We have a lot of student debt we are still trying to pay off, but we have already looked ahead and not sure where we would find money for kids or a house even without those monthly debt payments. I know families do it all the time on far less than we have and it's silly to restrict our decision on having a family to money... but I don't want to be miserable. Is it selfish to not want to be miserable?
Hello to the tension of aging parents and siblings with small children. I am crocheting a baby blanket for brother's 3rd baby due in a few weeks, and my parents are needing more and more help. It's been my job to help, because I am the closest to them geographically of their five children, and I am also the oldest girl. I've gone home seven times this year, mostly to help with furniture moving and rehab from surgery and closet assembling. Seven doesn't sound like a lot but it's felt like a lot. Hello to the question of what part I play in the upcoming years- will I be a mother or a caretaker to my parents? I don't know if I could be both, and I don't know if I am allowed to be neither.
Hello to happily oversharing on social media and tiktok, and to wondering if I am baring my soul for nothing. To wondering what is a waste of my time and what is a vital personal practice. Overconsumption and joy seeking and frugality and maximalism and contentment and cleanliness and the fact that I haven't cleaned out my freezer since we moved in two years ago and wondering why I want a new autumn mug every autumn and if it's wrong to spend money on a Taylor Swift concert ticket when I could pay off my debt that much faster if I stayed home the whole time while I pay it down. Hello to being twenty-seven.
I’m 40 and we just had our first baby. She was a surprise, but has been a delight in every way. That said, we were also happy being childless…it’s what we were sort of planning towards and I was happily settling into the idea of a quiet middle age, but God had other plans. All that to say, there’s no perfect timeline or storyline for life. It’s all beautiful and difficult in its own way.
And if you want to talk about different life paths, one of my closest friends that I graduated with has a 19 year old heading off to college while I nurse my baby. :) She calculated that if her oldest hurries up and has a kid (not the plan), her grandchild could marry my daughter. Lol
Hello to your now, Kellyanne. Sounds like you're saying hello to truly knowing your self and your life and learning to stand in it without apology. Sending lots of love.
I wish I could send my 27 year old self to spend some time with you. She'd have no idea in the moment how much she could learn from you. But 14 years later, I wonder if the experience would help as I also navigate questions about kids, aging parents and my responsibility as the closest, childless eldest daughter. I don't think kids are in the cards for my husband and I. But spending time with the gaggle of nephews and nieces forces me to work through grieving what it means to never be a mom while absolutely loving the life that I have.
Hello to you and your season. A couple things stood out to me here. Take or leave what I say as easily as you pocket a stone for home or decide it's perfect for skipping.
"I've never been happier or more myself, but everyone around me seems intent to rush to the next thing."
You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to pick you. You're allowed.
"I don't know if I could be both, and I don't know if I am allowed to be neither."
I hope you find permission here. I was going to write more on that, but I think it's a full thought-- I hope you find permission here.
(short aside, if you're having doubts about being a parent, which is totally normal and may not mean anything, it's valuable to shift your perspective. I think kids should be an opt-in, not an opt-out. If you love your life and don't feel you need/want kids, maybe that's something to think about. The rules are fake.)
"Overconsumption and joy seeking and frugality and maximalism and contentment and cleanliness and the fact that I haven't cleaned out my freezer since we moved in two years ago and wondering why I want a new autumn mug every autumn and if it's wrong to spend money on a Taylor Swift concert ticket when I could pay off my debt that much faster if I stayed home the whole time while I pay it down."
Something I have held dearly is a quote that has become so widespread I cannot find the source; "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." Finding ways to accept that the new fall mug and paying off my debt are *equally* morally neutral allows me to make financial decisions eyes wide open without the anxiety of trying to make the "right" choice. Now, I think it's a valuable perspective to be as financially stable before you have a child, because your child depends on you, but as you said, you're happy right now without a child. Highly recommend @thelaminimalist on instagram. Her content is often surrounding the ides that "the rules are fake." The order in which we are to do things, the way we do them-- all of it is morally neutral.
I'm proud of you-- the fact that you're thinking complexly about this is proof-positive that you're doing a good job.
That was a little scattered, but I hope my words help you find freedom to enjoy the fall mug and even the concert ticket; I hope you find freedom to enjoy every dent you can make in your debt and every moment with your partner, just the two of you.
thank you, this was such a thoughtful response. I know I have permission to be all/neither- I have happily and without second thoughted opted out of other "mandatory" seeming structures like changing my last name upon marriage or the fact that I do zero percent of the cooking in my household. But some things feel so much more serious than "just" a name or who's making dinner. Kids is so permanent- one way or the other. I look forward to my future and I have kids in it. But I'm really scared of not being a patient enough person to be a generous and gentle mother- the kind of mother I want to be. And if I go ahead and have kids and I'm impatient and ungenerous and frazzled and regret it- it's done lol. No taking it back. I don't want to be in years 0-10 of my kids life wishing them gone. One of my brothers regrets his decision to have kids, and he's been saying that the second they are 18 they are out of his house. That scares me for those kids, and it's been hard to watch in my brother. He used to be a much more generous and kind person. He has withdrawn into being much more cynical and closed off. You can still get peeks of the old him at times, in moments of warmth or sarcasm, but the second you put him into his family context, it's like the light has gone out. And I know that those kids feel that they aren't wanted. They are loved- but not wanted. It breaks my heart as their aunt and my sibs and I work hard to be a bigger support structure around them so they know as they turn 13 and 11 this year that they have lots of family places to go that aren't just Mom and Dad. But it's a grief, to watch, and it makes me wonder if those children shouldn't have been born, if the wrong choice was made. Of course I love them with all my heart. It's so complicated.
I will check out the LA minimimalist, thank you for the rec! And I am going to enjoy every minute of Taylor Swift even as we pay down the debt. I already lean too much on the side of enjoying the now vs saving/paying for the future- my husband pulls us back the other way. Somewhere between us is probably the correct place for us to land as a couple lol.
thank you so much for this comment, what a generous gift you gave me <3
You're so welcome! I feel the saving/spending-- my partner and I are the same, I swing toward spending (1) while she leans toward saving. letting that tension meet in the middle is good.
I thought I'd share where my partner and I are at with kids. We both desperately want to be parents-- and we desperately want time to grow in our relationship and stabilize. Therapy has been a wonderful tool for both of us, and we plan to be in couples therapy too. You don't have to be having a problem to go to therapy, you can go just to grow! Also, the fact that you're already thinking about what capacity you will have and what you don't want to have happen with your kids (re. your brother's kids) is a fantastic indicator that you will be a good parent. Another creator you might like is Mickey Atkins. She's "a therapist who talks about therapist-y things on this channellll." Her and her partner are child free by choice, but have a love for kids and a great perspective on deciding whether to be a parent. They aren't jesus-y just so you know, so if that's a thing you might not be interested. But them and their partner Aaron are just the funnest couple with lots of fun and also deep things to say. I recommend their podcast "we should unpack that" (https://youtu.be/cuTvQ4466eE?si=TOe_ytgmTmn9Ubur).
If you wanna connect more on this topic or anything else, my email is jessisacommonname@gmail.com. You seem great and I think our family contexts are pretty similar (i'm the eldest afab child with a lot of pressure to hold the family up)
If not, skip that stone for me. Peace be with you --Jess
(1) as a way to manage trauma of being impoverished-- its a whole thing for me and my therapist
I’m 28 and very grateful for your comment. I’m pondering a lot of the same things as Kellyanne and your wisdom hit just right. Thanks for the permission slip ♥️♥️
wow… didn’t think I could relate when I first started reading, but aging parents, debt, and minimalistic desires grabbed me!!!! I’m 57… I have children your age and stage in life… and yet, you have many of the same life concerns I do!! You are very wise and it sounds like you won’t get caught up in the stereotypical demands of when and where the next stage is supposed to happen! Hang in there, Kellyanne!!
I can totally relate to your post even though our scenarios are different. What to embrace and refrain from embracing? I am trying also to let go of the pressure I feel from others.
I gain a sense of freedom when I tell myself that it makes sense to them/their life how they think and feel. How I think and feel makes sense to me and my life. One or the other isn’t right or wrong. I have been asking myself several question. Why do want to do or not do xyz/ my motivation behind my reasons? What am I afraid of? Am I trying to please another human? What are the worse case scenarios of each? Writing this out helps me get clarity, separation and prayer opportunities. The answers and a decision hasn’t come yet but I feel like I am moving forward rather feeling stuck in self judgement for the season that I am in. Love and prayers as you journey forward!
If it is helpful, I think the decision to have children is equally as selfish/selfless as the decision to not have children. :-) There is weight to both sides so let it be narrowed to the dreams and capabilities and fears and strengths of you and your partner without all the confusion of social pressure. (Easier said than done of course!)
I adore my 3 tinies and I also feel guilt choosing to have babies the way the world is.
I appreciate this perspective. My partner and I are likely not going to have children. While I can acknowledge there is a little grief in this, on most days I can also realize deep down I don't want to have children (for a variety of reasons that would make this post looong). Ultimately, I really love where we are in life and I am engaged with a lot of children and families through some community work I do. I really love being able to be so available for this work both in my time and my finances. We invest a lot of time and money into many young people around us, and that is good work and it is a good choice.
So beautifully written. My partner and I just decided kids probably weren't in the cards for us. We're grieving, and celebrating, simultaneously it seems. There is both selfish and selfless in this for us. Thank you for these words.
You are allowed to be both, neither, or just one, and you don't have to know today. The rules are fake and mostly tried to be imposed by those who did follow them and therefore want everyone else to for only that reason. These are big questions. My husband and I were always clear on not wanting children of our own. I'm 55 and it was a small demographic of those of us happily married and childfree. It is hard when majority of your friends disappear by mid-thirties to the demands of parenting and the singles who just wanted to hang out with other singles by that age. It should be better now with more people making the choice. As a married woman, I sure got challenged about not having kids (especially as I got closer to 40) but it is entirely up to you. It's what is best for you and your partner. Humans have thought the world is ending since humans have been in the world. Don't let the problems of today stop you from having kids if that is what you want.
I find myself in a season of peace, joy and contentment and I am determined to acknowledge it with gratitude!
Somehow, I find myself in what feels like a blessed season of life. Kids are grown and doing well with their own families. Work allows me a lot of flexibility; I’m more in love with my husband of 42 years than ever before; we are both healthy, travel is finally in our budget, and my parents are healthy enough to still live on their own.
I realize this is “a season” and it won’t last forever. As the poet rightly said, “At another point, we will be in different locations…”
I would also say “At another point, I was in a different location”
When we lost our son and our girls lost their brother, we didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.
When betrayal tried to rip my marriage apart, and I didn’t know if we would survive.
When my husband was hospitalized with an unknown illness and Infectious Disease doctors didn’t know if he would survive.
When I can name the moments of gratitude, I am more likely to name the moments of grief when they come.
Someone once said that “grief and gratitude are sisters living under the same roof “ and the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 is a helpful reminder that there is a season for everything and to enjoy the moments of blessings and remember that the moments of grief won’t last forever and they are teachers too.
Your first line put a smile on my face and as I kept reading, I see how you lived into those answers, Isa. Sending lots of love for you in this season!
Beautifully written!!!! My husband & I bought a toy store in CO back in 2016… we were only able to live there for 2 years before having to come back to TX to help with aging parents and kids in crisis, so ENJOY every moment while it lasts for as long as it does!!!! And then find the next thing that will bring you joy, even when it’s harder again!
Mother of two, grandmother of three. Born in a Baptist hospital (so church started early for me) and participated in all things church religiously until 3 years ago. The connection between what was happening outside the church and inside the church I had attended for 30 years was painfully incongruent - the church did not acknowledge the pain, suffering, and injustice outside its walls. Only wanted to be safe within its walls with blinders on. Nice and tidy. But everything within me knew that was not what we are called to be in this world.
I spoke up, asking the preacher why he wasn't leading us to be the church in such a broken world, only to be dismissed casually after he lambasted me for questioning him.
So, as a single, almost retiree, Hello to wandering around a bit unmoored, trying to find my place. But this is where I am. I miss community most of all. Church was where I had that, and I miss it. The sad thing is, when I left, no one seemed to notice. (I'm an introvert, so that's fine. But it still hurt a little).
My faith has changed completely, and I would go through all the pain again to get to this point, even though it feels nebulous.
I identify so much with your journey, dear Nita. To live as a social justice Catholic is to live as a “stranger in a strange land.” I hope I am not over-stepping, but I would like to share a lovely inter-faith community that I have been involved in for several years: www.retreatreflectrenew.org. Your location does not matter as there is a lot of online content: retreats, workshops, sharing groups, etc. As a former board member, I can tell you that the emphasis of this ministry is creating connection and community for seekers either estranged from their former faith communities, or those who have never had one. Peace and love to you on your journey ❤️
How brave to speak up, Nita. I have had similar experiences of walking away and feeling untethered and not feeling missed by those I stepped away from (fellow introvert here) -it’s hard going. You are not alone, I hope you find a local community soon and know that you have support here in this little online community ✨
So brave to speak up, to rattle the walls a little. It must be disorienting to be outside that institutional church after a life of being there. Hoping you find a community that feeds your soul.
Hello to the little blob, who became a boy, who will be one year old in 12 days. Hello to a birthday party/traumaversary. Hello to weightlifting and the tattoo I've scheduled and the wrinkly tummy pudge my son and I both love; hello to hella strong.
Hello to the empty space where I put off a career to be disabled, and put off a career to survive a pandemic, and put off a career to have this boy. Hello to the lie that I'm losing a dream and the truth that there will be time, time for all that's meant for me.
Hello to August. Hello to naptime. Hello to 10:31 A.M. Hello to the dining table my father made from a felled tree at my teenage home. Hello to here.
(thank you for this lovely reflective moment, Sarah! [and dear, dear Padraig])
Hello to all of that, Lyndsey, I see so much of my own life in your words there (having babies, births as traumaversaries, wrinkly tummies, career changes for disability adjustments and family needs, all of it) and I'm sending lots of love. You're beautiful and brave. Few folks acknowledge this kind of courage in our culture, but wow, is it realer than real, eh?
Yes! And I think we’d all be better off if it was acknowledged, of course - you know I put a lot of effort into trying to change that - but I’m also reaching the (stage? age?) where it’s so real that for myself I don’t even need it acknowledged. Wherever I go, there my badassery is, sort of thing, yeah?
I don't always believe in manifestation sort of things, but one of the things I have taken from that philosophy like a magpie making off with a gem is the way Kacey Musgraves said "if a train is meant for me, it won't leave the station." I think there will be time for all that is meant for you- if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant for you. Sometimes I take that sort of thing as a challenge like "well, what about X that hasn't happened that I desperately want, why hasn't it happened??" and it feels like a nudge from the universe to go towards that thing, or that desire, do something with it, in a way.
This is all amazing, and as a mom to littles I especially love "hello to hella strong." I had no idea how strong I was until I carried a child in my body and then went through recovery from childbirth (no bouncing back included).
amen! And for real I would rather give birth like five times than recover from it once BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET TO SLEEP. whose body is healing itself while awake? madness.
Such madness! The combo of sleep deprivation and body healing, while trying to do alllll the things to keep the cutie well…well, dang. We are ah-mazing. Here’s to 2 minute naps in the car when arriving at work, pumping (or not), and celebrating all we did in that 1st year and beyond. I was 40 when I had my little guy and wowzers. Ha!
Hello to a season of uncertainty in the future of my marriage…we have been experiencing turbulence for some time and I am admitting that I don’t know if it is meant to be forever…
Hello to seeing, over and over, how self-destructive I can be. And reaching out anyway, as God gives me courage to do one tiny thing. Hello to another day of eating foods and amounts that harm my body...and to being given the gift of seeing a glimmer of the way out. With help, I am beginning to see how grudges have shaped my life. Ok, the only way out seems to be through. 2 different sources today talked about whether I'm mostly negative (hello to that) or positive (what I'd like to be.)
That sounds so difficult to navigate, but what a beautiful gift to acknowledge and start to see a way out. Praying for you as you navigate and continue to put in the work to a healthier life 🩷
Hello to everyone! This week I leave the comfort and familiarly of home and move to a new city to start simultaneously a new job, and a graduate program. Feeling overwhelmed, scared, and excited, and not sure where to find myself in the midst of it.
what an exciting life change moment! I feel like it's not that often you get a perfect new chapter- a perfect turn of the page onto blank white. You can choose a new nickname or go by your middle name. You could become a person who drinks black coffee, or wears cowboy boots. You could start growing mint in your kitchen window. So much freshness and possibility. I'm so excited for you!!!
When I studied abroad I video chatted with my family back home at least once a week and that made me feel anchored enough to be brave in the newness all around me. I hope you slip into your new life with ease and it treats you kindly. <3
Hello to a new chapter! How exciting for you! A New Beginning! Soon you’ll have organization but for now just set up your apartment. That’ll be great and keep you centered.
As for the nickname that Kellyanne mentioned. I did just that. When I moved to CA, I wanted to be a whole new person and yet I was unsure of who that person was. I wasn’t married any longer, so there’s that name and I wasn’t a maiden any longer so there’s that name. I started to go by what my mom calls me, Andie Lynn and it feels right, like a sweater that keeps me warm in a chill or warms sweet breeze.
The point is, try whatever you want and release yourself from the restrictions in your mind.
Your new routine will demand some of this from you and you will do it gladly.
This is so beautifully comforting, thank you my friend! I’m feeling the freshness of this new life already, and while overwhelming it is also liberating. Thankful for your words
Wow, Bailey, hello to a new season, indeed! Sending lots of love your way this morning. It takes so much courage and you're doing it! You're writing a whole new story, wow, you must be so proud of yourself!
I’m one week ahead of you! I’m in a new city, in a new country for a new job. There are so many big feelings with having so many beginnings all at once. Having my apartment set up feels great and is helping me lean in to the excitement of new people and places. In the hard moments I am reminding myself that “new” is hard, but the only way forward is through. I have a new journal and plans to find more balance in my new chapter. My goal is to say one extra social “yes” each week (I’m naturally an introvert who loves cozy reading). Congratulations! I wish you all the best in your new era!
Hello Emily! And yay to the both of us. I agree with the apartment thoughts, I’m sitting in my cozy space right now and feel so at home. Grateful for small mercies. I’ve been repeating the mantra “you can do hard things and you don’t have to do it alone” to myself. Hope your transition has continued to be well!
Wow, reading your "Hello" feels like looking into the past for me, Bailey.
I remember being exactly there, feeling that thrilling electricity of new beginnings as I entered grad school.
I have always loved new beginnings, New Years, birthdays, sunrises, springtime, how exhilarating to hold something in your hands that is bursting at the seams with possibility! It is a magical feeling to allow yourself to lean hard into imagining what could be, and knowing that you can make those musings reality in this very special "here".
Picking up everything and moving to where nobody knows me is something I have done voluntarily multiple times in my life. I think I'm addicted to this very specific thrill, haha!
My suggestion is simply to savor it. Mark the occasion with something special. I like to pick a day on the calendar, before I start the job or schooling or whatever, to just make a special moment in time acknowledging the new beginning. Saying "hello to here", as it were. Before the day arrives I will research a coffee shop in the new place that looks good, I'll research a great sunrise viewing spot, prep my journal/paint set/playlist, etc. Then when the day arrives I intentionally enjoy those things that fill me with hope and joy and beauty. Wonderful, and honestly, vitally necessary tools at the beginning of a long journey.
May you celebrate your new beginning in a way that rings most true and beautiful for you. May the inevitable challenges of schooling, making new friends, and navigating unfamiliar spaces, not invalidate the joy of new beginnings.
May you find your people fast, and surprise yourself by your own bravery in navigating those early stages of new friendships.
May you reach out when things get hard instead of choosing isolation.
And when necessary, may you say bravely those phrases that are often so hard to speak within the walls of academia: "I don't know" and "I need help".
Krista 🥹 this has been so helpful for me. I’ve felt the desire to jump in and be in a hurry, so slowing down and savoring has been necessary and required intentionality. I have in fact been surprised by my own bravery, it’s been fun and exciting ☺️
Hello to the season of life where I am "peripheral." As a widow in my early 70s, with grown children and middle/high school aged grandchildren, living a distance from all of them, it was a stark realization that I am not "essential" to anyone (friends, either). If I suddenly disappeared, the lives of others would change very little.
Realizing this, my heart went through a transition from...
~hating the truth that I am peripheral to everyone,
~to accepting that truth,
~to becoming friends with that truth.
I have lovely relationships with LOTS of people -- immediate family, extended family, former co-workers, church friendships, hiking buddies -- and we certainly enrich each other's lives, but their lives would, indeed, change very little if I were not present. I am peripheral.
This topic of living in a "here" that is peripheral is not a topic that I can readily speak aloud because hear-ers misunderstand and want to argue with me. "Yes, you are too essential!" "You are essential to me!" This topic can easily sound like self-pity or whining. Others don't understand the nuance that I am filled-full and joyful, having become friends with this season of life.
Being peripheral is WAY different than living without purpose. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that I have a purpose every day. It may not be a big-picture purpose, like rearing decent humans or helping six-year-olds become literate; it is a daily paying attention to today's purpose. For example, this morning's purpose is to get the house presentable for this afternoon's visit with dear friends I only see once a year. This friendship enriches all our lives.
I can make choices every day that keep life rich and vital in the peripheral season of life.
Oh how your words resonate in me, Doris! I am 65, single, mother to 2 incredible adults who live many miles from me, grandmother to 3 who I love dearly and don't see nearly as often as I would like. In 2020 my dear parents died 4 months apart, my then-husband lost his job, I left my church of 30 years (which was my community), divorced, and am now trying to navigate this new place I find myself. It isn't bad at all, just very different...and that feeling of being on the periphery rings so true in me. Thank you for articulating what I've been feeling. I would love to hear more of your story. I'm starving for deep friendships.
Nita, Thank you for sharing this. Losing a community creates a big need for connection.
You have experienced a LOT of changes and there is a grief that comes with each one. I appreciate your viewpoint of life being "different" but not bad.
Doris, I honor your truth of having purpose but also feeling peripheral. Just spent time with my mother who has dementia and she shared that she feels useless. I immediately wanted to reassure her that what she said was not true (basically wanted to protect her from those feelings, and she does not have friends or a community or family who live nearby). Your words remind me to let others have their truths and feelings and to be present rather than trying to fix. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel it in my future and it’s one of the things I’m most scared of. Your words bring some acknowledgment that it’s part of life and not necessarily bad. As someone who has had the “you must be productive” ethic drilled in, I have a very hard time not being billable/necessary/etc. Thank you for bringing a different perspective.
Thanks for this post! I like the notion of being peripheral as opposed to constantly wondering what's wrong with me. You've given me some new things to think about!
Hello to some deep wisdom, Doris. Wow, I've read your comment a couple of times now and I think there's some resonance and compassion in your words. It feels like discernment and I love your distinctions there. This is powerful and even freeing, I think, thank you for sharing it!
Thank you, Sarah, for your reply. I love your word, "freeing." Yes! Realizing that I am peripheral carried considerable grief at first, but as I slowly moved through acceptance to "making friends" with this season, it became freeing indeed. I am free to pay attention to the "right now," free to pay attention to the people I will encounter today, free to embrace today's purpose. Thank you.
Hello to Deep Grief. Our 28-year-old son, after a years-long battle with depression and anxiety, took his own life on Christmas Eve seven months ago. I have made peace with being on this journey and moving (or not moving, sometime) through the phases of this excruciating loss. I understand that this grief that will be with my husband and me for the rest of lives, but that we will learn to navigate it over time. When despair takes hold, I try to embrace the mantra: “Matthew’s life mattered. My life matters.” Thank you, Sarah Bessey, for this sacred space to share.
Sending so much love, Kelly. It feels so useless to say that I'm sorry but I am. And you're right, Matthew mattered - and matters still. And so do you. xo
Oh Kelly….my heart sank reading your post. I’m three years out from losing my 28 year old son to an overdose. As I read your story, my heart, mind, body immediately went back to those first months of gut wrenching pain. How do you go on living when you’ve buried your heart? It’s an impossible task…. Time doesn’t take the pain away yet you will learn how to carry it with you. It’s almost like it morphs into your being becoming a part of who you are. Kelly - I pray that people still talk about & celebrate Matthew with you. I pray that Matthew’s life is remembered & cherished by those around you. I pray for all the “firsts” that are still to come this year, that you’ll be surrounded by friends who know how to love you well. I pray that you & your husband discover new traditions that will bring Matthew into each new year with you. Kelly - my heart goes out to you.
Tamee, your message is so beautiful and fills my heart. I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved child. There is really nothing quite like this, is there? We are only just now turning our attention to developing new traditions for the upcoming holidays. Crawling in a hole is not an option as we have two younger sons (one with autism) that we need to think of. Conversely, it is good we have them to pull us out of our tendency to want to crawl into a whole. And yes, we are blessed that our close friends and family are not afraid to bring up funny stories and memories about Matthew to keep our boy alive in our hearts. Peace and love to you on your journey
Tamee, this made me teary this morning. What a terrible beauty it is to offer prayer and comfort out of our own hurts and yet here you are. Joining with you in these prayers and hopes. Our heart is with you, too.
Hey folks, I'm so sorry that I dropped this post and then disappeared! Brian and I were in South Carolina for a speaking engagement but due to the Tropical Storm Debby, we had a few setbacks. We're safe and sound, no worries, but we couldn't quite get home so we moved inland to wait it out. I'll get caught up soon. I just didn't want anyone to worry that I wasn't chiming in or paying attention. I've read all your precious comments and I'll start responding soon. The funny thing is that, while I felt a bit guilty, when I showed up here, I saw something so beautiful: you're looking after each other, paying attention to each other, and holding space. What a lovely thing. Big thank you to everyone who is reading comments and responding to each other in all of these big "here I am" moments. I'll be back here with you soon!
I need to check your speaking schedule. I live in SC. No damage to my area but daughters Edisto River property flooded.
That's pretty much it for this year. I don't travel to speak much, I'm afraid.
Afraid of what? Maybe poor choice of words?
Hello to pancreatic cancer and limited time left. Our big organic garden, still kindly tended by my sweet husband, has almost nothing in it that I can eat and he's not eating much for vegetables without me to prep them. Dropping all kinds of inconsequential things from my life. Waiting for the next treatment. Not exercising at all because it uses calories and I'm preserving energy. I've been able to accept this from the first news, accept that it's true. And while I know that life is not fair, it's hard to look around at people with very unhealthy lifestyles when we have lived so clean for so long. My sister asked if I was angry and I'm not except for one thing. Years ago we moved from a fundamentalist Church to a moderate Evangelical Church, and still, the ridiculous messages about how you'll get to testify about Jesus more than any time in your life are really pissing me off. I'm done with those people and leaning into the people who are loving and caring and kind. I'm hoping for a miracle but not counting on a miracle, if that makes sense. Trying everyday to do a thing or two that will make life easier for my husband, especially Financial, and staying connected to close friends and family. For those of you who pray, I'd appreciate it.
As Kendall said, this is so damn beautiful and so damn hard. I would like to give anyone who is giving you those ridiculous messages a Paddington Bear VERY HARD STARE of rebuke, too. I'm holding you in prayer, Cynthia. You are so courageous but I wish you didn't have to be. Sending lots of love today.
This is so damn beautiful and hard. YOU are so beautiful, even though I don't know you. It shines right through. You have full permission to punch anyone in the face who tells you that "everything happens for reason" or somesuch nonsense. May you find softness and peace, may you find the world and life to be more radiant than ever before, may you find places to weep and rage and wail. All of it, dear friend, feel all of it. Sending so much love.
Amen!
You have my whole sympathy. When my brother died, people in my evangelical college began looking at me as though I was some kind of sage or wise figure, when I was what we all are or have been or will be: someone mourning the loss of someone they loved. The people talking about your testimony are like the people who thought I should write a book: consumerist Christians who think more of the value of the brand than they do about individual people.
God be with you, and may your time be filled with loving friends who surround you, grace to sustain you, and love to keep you.
Dear Cynthia, may God continue to whisper grace into your ear as you live kindly toward your husband, helping him survive this. And may you be surrounded with affection, laughter, wisdom, and love all the days of your life. Amen.
Cynthia. This is me. My Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2022 just as my second child was born. She has always lived a healthy life and still. She passed away a year later and we were grateful for the time having also accepted and knowing life isn’t fair. I am still dealing with anger at God, at her church friends who sent her messages like “if he leads you to it, he’ll see you through it” and saying that it would make her stronger with God. I don’t want people to have to suffer for that to be true. I don’t believe suffering comes from God. These things just are. Please talk to anyone you can about how you are feeling as a caregiver. Praying for comfort, for little side effects from the treatment and for a miracle even though we don’t expect it for you and your husband. Sending so much love to you both ❤️
I'm really sorry about your Mum, Lauren. That's a hard loss. And I am so with you on the garbage spiritual-bypassing language that wants to spiritualize our pain and suffering. Sending lots of love to you, too.
This is impossibly difficult. And knowing that life isn’t fair doesn’t make it any easier when the unfairness hits you or your family. I am hoping your life is filled with beauty and laughter and miracles—tiny ones and big ones too.
I will pray, Cynthia!! wow… mostly for community to show themselves during this time!! And yes, by all means, dust your feet from anyone and everyone who doesn’t offer you unconditional love and support right now 💔🙏❤️🩹
Cynthia . . you have a hard hard journey. My sister's name is Cynthia. She suffered a very difficult cancer for 5 years going to Jesus 3 days after her birthday in February. You sound like her. Living as fully as possible each moment. She continued to smile no matter what was going on. It felt to me very much what I believe Jesus says is possible. She did have down moments and some fear, but she kept coming back to joy. I found it extraordinary. Even her last day she asked her husband to carry her out to see her garden, the new plants she asked the gardener to plant.
You are giving something to us. You know something about life we can't imagine. But we can see it in you. The courage. How you appreciate your husband, your family, friends. You will be who they remember when someone asks, who was the most important person you ever met?
I pray for you to experience vividly the presence of Jesus and the enormous lavish love, that you know you are home.
Joining in your prayer there for Cynthia, Ginger - such a beautiful hope. And I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.
Praying for you to have peace and people who really around you. This is so hard.
Yes, lean into those people who are loving and caring and kind. What a hard diagnosis. Praying for health and healing and rich conversations—and a spot of joy each day.
Hugs. As I read this I’m thinking “on earth, as it is in heaven…”. You are preparing yourself and your hubby with loving care for what comes next. Peace be with you, and with us all, as we live a beautiful life filled with the wisdom of Jesus. More hugs.
Oh, Cynthia!
My heart breaks for you and your sweet family! I’ve found in the hardest of times that leaning into those humble, loving people who care from their heart far outweighs those who want to explain, advice and in some hidden way blame!
May you be filled with the former and find God’s peace in the process.
Bless you.
I’m praying for your journey to be gentle and blessing you for simplifying things for your husband. I pray that, unlike my experience, he will be surrounded by people who love you both and will hold him up through the season of deep grief.
Feel free to be honest with the jerks who try to spiritualize your experience. Your struggle is REAL. You both need people around you who will hold space for the pain.
My heart aches with you, Cynthia. Sending you the hope of awake and embodied community that can hold all of you.
I'm so sorry for what you are facing Cynthia. May you be surrounded by people who radiate bring compassion, care, and especially love.
I'm so sorry. I hope you can let in the family and friends who lift you up, and dismiss those who are not wholly helpful. They are not worth your precious energy. Prayers for peace and comfort as you navigate this sadness.
My “here” is one of confusion, sadness but hopefully for peace. Over here in 🇬🇧 we have very recently had a number of racist riots happening in many of our towns. I feel the sadness of this deeply. My husband is Black African and a Muslim, I am White British, our child is mixed race and learning about both religions and cultures. We went to London (where I love) last night to the theatre and for the first time I was nervous. I wish I didn’t feel like that. But the three of us had a wonderful time in my favourite city. I am hopeful for light driving out the dark.
Holding this space with you, Han. As a Black American from the South, I know this nervousness deep in my bones. Joining you in hope for your country and mine and all in the global community. May Love and light prevail in our land. Peace be with you.
I too live in the south but am white. I am so ashamed that we have made no progress in these areas-in fact we are going backwards it seems. Sharing your desire for love & light but feeling pessimistic.
Also in the UK and feeling the heaviness and insecurity of these troubling events. Sharing solidarity in the situation and hope x
I am also here 🇬🇧 - sharing your sadness but also your hope for peace ❤️
Thank you Sarah ✨🙌🏽
Hello to your here, Han. And I hold that hope with you!
Also in the U.K. so angry at our press and the previous government for driving the division. With you in the sadness and hoping for justice alongside peace.
I've been following the UK news a lot and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It is scary times. May you have peace in your family and in ever-widening circles in your community and country.
Feeling your sadness and praying for peace. Glad you were able to enjoy your time at the theatre!
Thank you for educating me about what is happening in your home. I will learn more about it today.
Han, I am holding space for you and your beautiful country. I just returned home from there, yesterday. My friend and I were sightseeing in London a week ago. We walked through a gap between the protestors and counter-protesters. Thankfully, police were managing to keep the groups separate at that time.
My spirit was uneasy for the remainder of my trip and I grieve for the families of the dead and wounded. May peace return.
I'm in Canada, but I have a friend in Manchester who has been keeping me up to date on the protests. It's such a terrible, sad, unbelievable situation. I'm thinking about all of you. I'm glad you were able to enjoy your theatre night without incident, and that it has given you some hope.💗
Hello to separation from my husband of 14 years. And to trying to peer into the future of starting to school year coparenting our second grader and kindergartener in two different households. And to what I know I cannot allow in my marriage for what it does to my mind and body. And to all that this gaping wound does to our whole lives.
I'm there too, Rachel. 14 years and we finally said the words out loud- we're not sure we want to be married anymore. Our daughter starts kindergarten next week, and everything has suddenly shifted. Oof. I see you.
I see you! Went through this very thing in 2016 after 20 yr marriage and a child going into kindergarten. It is a challenge for sure but you will make it out the other side a happier person and you will be that solid foundation your children need.
I'm almost a year out from the end of a 17 year marriage. While we didn't have kids, I can empathize fully with the open wound and how it leaks into every single part of who you are. You're seen and loved.
that sounds so so difficult. I'm so glad you were able to put words to a need/pain that could have eaten away at you for much longer. (My parents are still together after 45 years of unhappiness.) I hope this is an easier year for you than the last <3
Hello to the new and unexpected "here I am" of that, Rachel. Sending lots of love your way. This is a whole new country of citizenship and it takes a while to get our feet under us, I pray it feels like home soon.
I see you Rachel. Tears for you today from Richmond, VA.
I see you, Rachel. I left my marriage of 13 years several years ago. I have 13 & 15 yr old sons that I homeschool. It upended all of our lives & still does on some days. But mostly, we feel the peace now that we never had before. I hope that for you & yours in the days to come as well.
Holding this very tender space with you, Rachel and Kendall.
🙏❤️🙏
Hello to pediatric oncology! I started as a chaplain in pediatric oncology a year ago, and for a good while, we had 1 or 2 out-of-hospital deaths. But about 4 months ago, we started a wave of patient deaths in the hospital that continues. I love working on the oncology floor because I play so much! I race scooters down the hall and play Uno and debate the finer points of Frozen mythology with my little patients. I listen to good music and color and laugh until I cry with my teenage patients. But then I also hold their hands and hug their moms and listen to stories from their dads when their time to say goodbye comes too soon. I'm slowly realizing that this constant state of goodbye even as I say hello almost every day is perhaps, what it means to be here, in this particular work.
Ashley, in my humble opinion, borrowing a concept from Dan Allender, I see your "beauty" expressed through your role as a chaplain in pediatric oncology.
Offering so much grace and goodness to you for the courage you have chosen to participate in life's hellos and goodbyes.
Thank you for your good, hard work. It is holy.
What a sacred space to inhabit every day. Brutal and beautiful and present. Wow, wow, wow.
What a gift you are!
Ashley, thank you so much for what you do! I'm also planning to work in hospital chaplaincy. I completed my first unit of CPE last year and the hardest, hardest part as a mom of young children was child loss and fetal demise. I don't know if I could be brave enough to work in pediatric oncology. Hope you have good people around to take care of your heart.
God bless you and everyone on your unit. You will not be forgotten by the families you work with. You will be part of their story forever. You are creating a living legacy.
thank you so much for taking care of and loving those kids and families
Hard, holy and beautiful work. You're a gift ❤️
My 5 yo niece just completed treatment for her second cancer. I know how much my cousin/her mother and her family depend on all of the members of the care team. Thank you for giving of yourself this way 💚💜
My dad is a Hospice chaplain. It is brutal, sacred work you're doing. Thank you.
You are a love warrior. May showers of blessings rain down on you and the families you support.🙏🏻
Ashley, I am genuinely thanking God for you this morning. What a hard "here" and yet you embody grace and hope and love in it. Sending lots of love your way today!
Hello to a season of letting certain balls drop - I can run a small business and raise my small children but not keep a small garden alive at the same time. Poor bean plant and radishes, they were so pretty. It's hard for me to admit, but I don't actually have the capacity to do everything.
"I don't actually have the capacity to do everything"- simple, profound, beautiful. Thank you
Hello and A-MEN to that, Rebecca! I applaud that realization, bravo. I want that freedom and permission you're modelling for all of us. Thanks for this!
Also, I cannot keep an indoor unkillable plant alive for love or money. I'm broken at the plants so if it's part of your "someday" or "next" stage, my envy and congrats!
I feel this deeply. Realizing I don't have the capacity to do it all is sometimes a daily internal conversation. Praying for a settled heart and contentment when you see those poor plants.
And if you ever decide to find space for plants again, a pothos is a great, forgiving indoor plant. It's the first and only plant I've ever kept alive.
Thank you for the sympathy and the recommendation! Indoor plants will probably have to wait till kids are older haha. And yeah, I definitely don't know my own capacity and I'm trying hard to be okay with saying no to things.
"Letting certain balls drop" is such a lovely phrase! I also have a hard time admitting I can do everything and do it all well all the time, but the idea of giving myself permission to letting a ball or two drop is so freeing 🩷 thank you for the reminder
YES! I’m learning the same although at a different time in life. I’ve always been a person who perseveres, works myself to exhaustion, etc. I’ve had to, but my health is breaking down & I cannot do it all anymore. It’s humbling & scary, yet freeing at the same time.
Oh how I resonate with you. I want to do everything and somehow feel bad when I can't. I know now when you let some balls drop that your life will be the richer for it. There will be later times when you can pick up some of the balls you dropped or een drop others.
I can’t remember where it originated, but I remember reading someone say they had to learn which balls were glass and which were rubber. What balls are okay to drop and they won’t break.
Yes, this is definitely not an idea original to me! I've heard it from several people and a quick Google search attributes it to a couple of different people, so I'm not sure where I heard it first.
I feel like maybe I heard it from Brene Brown possibly? Maybe? Anyways that notion and what you said resonates with so many which I think speaks more to us a society, and women especially, the ultimate superhero jugglers that can’t let anyone down ever and have everything on their shoulders.
yes to this! This is a lesson I have also been working on these past few years. Dropping balls used to feel like such failure. Now I look at it more as setting boundaries and putting the balls down on purpose. Maybe I will pick them up later, maybe I won't. <3
Had to come back and say I love the idea of putting the balls down on purpose!
Hello to the Midwest after 20 years in the shadow of the nation’s capitol.
Hello to a house not haunted by our son’s death by fire.
Hello to a garden for the first time in my life.
Hello to the lake I see from my sunroom.
Hello to the (as yet undiscovered) church family that will welcome us and the gifts we bring.
Hello to the yellow rose bush that reminds me of my beloved (and departed) sister.
Hello to the birds and bunnies and squirrels who come to the feast we provide.
Hello to free and affordable entertainment.
Hello to neighbors that actually acknowledge one’s existence.
This sounds like the right "here" for you, Maggie. I hear some hope in the midst of the pain in your words. Sending love.
The Midwest is so happy to have you here :)
Thank you for sharing all the good you are seeing even as the past can be loud and clamor for all the attention you have to spare.
Thank you, Beth. I’m happy to be here. We’re living in my husband’s hometown, so we have some historical connections and the slower pace is most welcome.
Maggie! this is a book. I have so many questions! You have so many stories. And 9 chapters.
Hello to a lovely season in your life. Congratulations!
Hello to being married but not ready for kids yet. Hello to being happy with my life, and not sure how and when to look to the next season. Hello to living in a big city and loving the walk to my ballet studio, the grocery store, the coffee shop, my job- and to the discontentment of an at times tiny apartment with no laundry and no parking space and no elevator up to our 4th floor.
I've never been happier or more myself, but everyone around me seems intent to rush to the next thing. We have a lot of student debt we are still trying to pay off, but we have already looked ahead and not sure where we would find money for kids or a house even without those monthly debt payments. I know families do it all the time on far less than we have and it's silly to restrict our decision on having a family to money... but I don't want to be miserable. Is it selfish to not want to be miserable?
Hello to the tension of aging parents and siblings with small children. I am crocheting a baby blanket for brother's 3rd baby due in a few weeks, and my parents are needing more and more help. It's been my job to help, because I am the closest to them geographically of their five children, and I am also the oldest girl. I've gone home seven times this year, mostly to help with furniture moving and rehab from surgery and closet assembling. Seven doesn't sound like a lot but it's felt like a lot. Hello to the question of what part I play in the upcoming years- will I be a mother or a caretaker to my parents? I don't know if I could be both, and I don't know if I am allowed to be neither.
Hello to happily oversharing on social media and tiktok, and to wondering if I am baring my soul for nothing. To wondering what is a waste of my time and what is a vital personal practice. Overconsumption and joy seeking and frugality and maximalism and contentment and cleanliness and the fact that I haven't cleaned out my freezer since we moved in two years ago and wondering why I want a new autumn mug every autumn and if it's wrong to spend money on a Taylor Swift concert ticket when I could pay off my debt that much faster if I stayed home the whole time while I pay it down. Hello to being twenty-seven.
I’m 40 and we just had our first baby. She was a surprise, but has been a delight in every way. That said, we were also happy being childless…it’s what we were sort of planning towards and I was happily settling into the idea of a quiet middle age, but God had other plans. All that to say, there’s no perfect timeline or storyline for life. It’s all beautiful and difficult in its own way.
And if you want to talk about different life paths, one of my closest friends that I graduated with has a 19 year old heading off to college while I nurse my baby. :) She calculated that if her oldest hurries up and has a kid (not the plan), her grandchild could marry my daughter. Lol
this stuck out to me: "I've never been happier or more myself." It's no small thing to know and notice *how it feels*!
Hello to your now, Kellyanne. Sounds like you're saying hello to truly knowing your self and your life and learning to stand in it without apology. Sending lots of love.
I wish I could send my 27 year old self to spend some time with you. She'd have no idea in the moment how much she could learn from you. But 14 years later, I wonder if the experience would help as I also navigate questions about kids, aging parents and my responsibility as the closest, childless eldest daughter. I don't think kids are in the cards for my husband and I. But spending time with the gaggle of nephews and nieces forces me to work through grieving what it means to never be a mom while absolutely loving the life that I have.
Hello to you and your season. A couple things stood out to me here. Take or leave what I say as easily as you pocket a stone for home or decide it's perfect for skipping.
"I've never been happier or more myself, but everyone around me seems intent to rush to the next thing."
You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to pick you. You're allowed.
"I don't know if I could be both, and I don't know if I am allowed to be neither."
I hope you find permission here. I was going to write more on that, but I think it's a full thought-- I hope you find permission here.
(short aside, if you're having doubts about being a parent, which is totally normal and may not mean anything, it's valuable to shift your perspective. I think kids should be an opt-in, not an opt-out. If you love your life and don't feel you need/want kids, maybe that's something to think about. The rules are fake.)
"Overconsumption and joy seeking and frugality and maximalism and contentment and cleanliness and the fact that I haven't cleaned out my freezer since we moved in two years ago and wondering why I want a new autumn mug every autumn and if it's wrong to spend money on a Taylor Swift concert ticket when I could pay off my debt that much faster if I stayed home the whole time while I pay it down."
Something I have held dearly is a quote that has become so widespread I cannot find the source; "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." Finding ways to accept that the new fall mug and paying off my debt are *equally* morally neutral allows me to make financial decisions eyes wide open without the anxiety of trying to make the "right" choice. Now, I think it's a valuable perspective to be as financially stable before you have a child, because your child depends on you, but as you said, you're happy right now without a child. Highly recommend @thelaminimalist on instagram. Her content is often surrounding the ides that "the rules are fake." The order in which we are to do things, the way we do them-- all of it is morally neutral.
I'm proud of you-- the fact that you're thinking complexly about this is proof-positive that you're doing a good job.
That was a little scattered, but I hope my words help you find freedom to enjoy the fall mug and even the concert ticket; I hope you find freedom to enjoy every dent you can make in your debt and every moment with your partner, just the two of you.
with love--
Jess
thank you, this was such a thoughtful response. I know I have permission to be all/neither- I have happily and without second thoughted opted out of other "mandatory" seeming structures like changing my last name upon marriage or the fact that I do zero percent of the cooking in my household. But some things feel so much more serious than "just" a name or who's making dinner. Kids is so permanent- one way or the other. I look forward to my future and I have kids in it. But I'm really scared of not being a patient enough person to be a generous and gentle mother- the kind of mother I want to be. And if I go ahead and have kids and I'm impatient and ungenerous and frazzled and regret it- it's done lol. No taking it back. I don't want to be in years 0-10 of my kids life wishing them gone. One of my brothers regrets his decision to have kids, and he's been saying that the second they are 18 they are out of his house. That scares me for those kids, and it's been hard to watch in my brother. He used to be a much more generous and kind person. He has withdrawn into being much more cynical and closed off. You can still get peeks of the old him at times, in moments of warmth or sarcasm, but the second you put him into his family context, it's like the light has gone out. And I know that those kids feel that they aren't wanted. They are loved- but not wanted. It breaks my heart as their aunt and my sibs and I work hard to be a bigger support structure around them so they know as they turn 13 and 11 this year that they have lots of family places to go that aren't just Mom and Dad. But it's a grief, to watch, and it makes me wonder if those children shouldn't have been born, if the wrong choice was made. Of course I love them with all my heart. It's so complicated.
I will check out the LA minimimalist, thank you for the rec! And I am going to enjoy every minute of Taylor Swift even as we pay down the debt. I already lean too much on the side of enjoying the now vs saving/paying for the future- my husband pulls us back the other way. Somewhere between us is probably the correct place for us to land as a couple lol.
thank you so much for this comment, what a generous gift you gave me <3
You're so welcome! I feel the saving/spending-- my partner and I are the same, I swing toward spending (1) while she leans toward saving. letting that tension meet in the middle is good.
I thought I'd share where my partner and I are at with kids. We both desperately want to be parents-- and we desperately want time to grow in our relationship and stabilize. Therapy has been a wonderful tool for both of us, and we plan to be in couples therapy too. You don't have to be having a problem to go to therapy, you can go just to grow! Also, the fact that you're already thinking about what capacity you will have and what you don't want to have happen with your kids (re. your brother's kids) is a fantastic indicator that you will be a good parent. Another creator you might like is Mickey Atkins. She's "a therapist who talks about therapist-y things on this channellll." Her and her partner are child free by choice, but have a love for kids and a great perspective on deciding whether to be a parent. They aren't jesus-y just so you know, so if that's a thing you might not be interested. But them and their partner Aaron are just the funnest couple with lots of fun and also deep things to say. I recommend their podcast "we should unpack that" (https://youtu.be/cuTvQ4466eE?si=TOe_ytgmTmn9Ubur).
If you wanna connect more on this topic or anything else, my email is jessisacommonname@gmail.com. You seem great and I think our family contexts are pretty similar (i'm the eldest afab child with a lot of pressure to hold the family up)
If not, skip that stone for me. Peace be with you --Jess
(1) as a way to manage trauma of being impoverished-- its a whole thing for me and my therapist
Hi Jess,
I’m 28 and very grateful for your comment. I’m pondering a lot of the same things as Kellyanne and your wisdom hit just right. Thanks for the permission slip ♥️♥️
wow… didn’t think I could relate when I first started reading, but aging parents, debt, and minimalistic desires grabbed me!!!! I’m 57… I have children your age and stage in life… and yet, you have many of the same life concerns I do!! You are very wise and it sounds like you won’t get caught up in the stereotypical demands of when and where the next stage is supposed to happen! Hang in there, Kellyanne!!
I can totally relate to your post even though our scenarios are different. What to embrace and refrain from embracing? I am trying also to let go of the pressure I feel from others.
I gain a sense of freedom when I tell myself that it makes sense to them/their life how they think and feel. How I think and feel makes sense to me and my life. One or the other isn’t right or wrong. I have been asking myself several question. Why do want to do or not do xyz/ my motivation behind my reasons? What am I afraid of? Am I trying to please another human? What are the worse case scenarios of each? Writing this out helps me get clarity, separation and prayer opportunities. The answers and a decision hasn’t come yet but I feel like I am moving forward rather feeling stuck in self judgement for the season that I am in. Love and prayers as you journey forward!
those are good questions, I will have to think about them. thank you
If it is helpful, I think the decision to have children is equally as selfish/selfless as the decision to not have children. :-) There is weight to both sides so let it be narrowed to the dreams and capabilities and fears and strengths of you and your partner without all the confusion of social pressure. (Easier said than done of course!)
I adore my 3 tinies and I also feel guilt choosing to have babies the way the world is.
I appreciate this perspective. My partner and I are likely not going to have children. While I can acknowledge there is a little grief in this, on most days I can also realize deep down I don't want to have children (for a variety of reasons that would make this post looong). Ultimately, I really love where we are in life and I am engaged with a lot of children and families through some community work I do. I really love being able to be so available for this work both in my time and my finances. We invest a lot of time and money into many young people around us, and that is good work and it is a good choice.
So beautifully written. My partner and I just decided kids probably weren't in the cards for us. We're grieving, and celebrating, simultaneously it seems. There is both selfish and selfless in this for us. Thank you for these words.
You are allowed to be both, neither, or just one, and you don't have to know today. The rules are fake and mostly tried to be imposed by those who did follow them and therefore want everyone else to for only that reason. These are big questions. My husband and I were always clear on not wanting children of our own. I'm 55 and it was a small demographic of those of us happily married and childfree. It is hard when majority of your friends disappear by mid-thirties to the demands of parenting and the singles who just wanted to hang out with other singles by that age. It should be better now with more people making the choice. As a married woman, I sure got challenged about not having kids (especially as I got closer to 40) but it is entirely up to you. It's what is best for you and your partner. Humans have thought the world is ending since humans have been in the world. Don't let the problems of today stop you from having kids if that is what you want.
Hello to living into answered prayers!
I find myself in a season of peace, joy and contentment and I am determined to acknowledge it with gratitude!
Somehow, I find myself in what feels like a blessed season of life. Kids are grown and doing well with their own families. Work allows me a lot of flexibility; I’m more in love with my husband of 42 years than ever before; we are both healthy, travel is finally in our budget, and my parents are healthy enough to still live on their own.
I realize this is “a season” and it won’t last forever. As the poet rightly said, “At another point, we will be in different locations…”
I would also say “At another point, I was in a different location”
When we lost our son and our girls lost their brother, we didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.
When betrayal tried to rip my marriage apart, and I didn’t know if we would survive.
When my husband was hospitalized with an unknown illness and Infectious Disease doctors didn’t know if he would survive.
When I can name the moments of gratitude, I am more likely to name the moments of grief when they come.
Someone once said that “grief and gratitude are sisters living under the same roof “ and the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 is a helpful reminder that there is a season for everything and to enjoy the moments of blessings and remember that the moments of grief won’t last forever and they are teachers too.
Your first line put a smile on my face and as I kept reading, I see how you lived into those answers, Isa. Sending lots of love for you in this season!
Beautifully written!!!! My husband & I bought a toy store in CO back in 2016… we were only able to live there for 2 years before having to come back to TX to help with aging parents and kids in crisis, so ENJOY every moment while it lasts for as long as it does!!!! And then find the next thing that will bring you joy, even when it’s harder again!
Mother of two, grandmother of three. Born in a Baptist hospital (so church started early for me) and participated in all things church religiously until 3 years ago. The connection between what was happening outside the church and inside the church I had attended for 30 years was painfully incongruent - the church did not acknowledge the pain, suffering, and injustice outside its walls. Only wanted to be safe within its walls with blinders on. Nice and tidy. But everything within me knew that was not what we are called to be in this world.
I spoke up, asking the preacher why he wasn't leading us to be the church in such a broken world, only to be dismissed casually after he lambasted me for questioning him.
So, as a single, almost retiree, Hello to wandering around a bit unmoored, trying to find my place. But this is where I am. I miss community most of all. Church was where I had that, and I miss it. The sad thing is, when I left, no one seemed to notice. (I'm an introvert, so that's fine. But it still hurt a little).
My faith has changed completely, and I would go through all the pain again to get to this point, even though it feels nebulous.
You are brave, Nita… I appreciate your story!
Thank you, Tina
I identify so much with your journey, dear Nita. To live as a social justice Catholic is to live as a “stranger in a strange land.” I hope I am not over-stepping, but I would like to share a lovely inter-faith community that I have been involved in for several years: www.retreatreflectrenew.org. Your location does not matter as there is a lot of online content: retreats, workshops, sharing groups, etc. As a former board member, I can tell you that the emphasis of this ministry is creating connection and community for seekers either estranged from their former faith communities, or those who have never had one. Peace and love to you on your journey ❤️
Thank you, Kelly! I will definitely look into retreatreflectrenew. It sounds wonderful! Peace and love to you, my sister.
How brave to speak up, Nita. I have had similar experiences of walking away and feeling untethered and not feeling missed by those I stepped away from (fellow introvert here) -it’s hard going. You are not alone, I hope you find a local community soon and know that you have support here in this little online community ✨
So brave to speak up, to rattle the walls a little. It must be disorienting to be outside that institutional church after a life of being there. Hoping you find a community that feeds your soul.
Thank you, Nancy. Still looking for that community...
That's a "here" many of us know well, Nita. I'm sorry for how it goes within our faith communities but you aren't alone in that. sending lots of love.
Right there with you, Nita- same journey- you (we) are not alone.
Thank you, Cindy. I would love to hear your story.
Hello to the little blob, who became a boy, who will be one year old in 12 days. Hello to a birthday party/traumaversary. Hello to weightlifting and the tattoo I've scheduled and the wrinkly tummy pudge my son and I both love; hello to hella strong.
Hello to the empty space where I put off a career to be disabled, and put off a career to survive a pandemic, and put off a career to have this boy. Hello to the lie that I'm losing a dream and the truth that there will be time, time for all that's meant for me.
Hello to August. Hello to naptime. Hello to 10:31 A.M. Hello to the dining table my father made from a felled tree at my teenage home. Hello to here.
(thank you for this lovely reflective moment, Sarah! [and dear, dear Padraig])
Hello to all of that, Lyndsey, I see so much of my own life in your words there (having babies, births as traumaversaries, wrinkly tummies, career changes for disability adjustments and family needs, all of it) and I'm sending lots of love. You're beautiful and brave. Few folks acknowledge this kind of courage in our culture, but wow, is it realer than real, eh?
Yes! And I think we’d all be better off if it was acknowledged, of course - you know I put a lot of effort into trying to change that - but I’m also reaching the (stage? age?) where it’s so real that for myself I don’t even need it acknowledged. Wherever I go, there my badassery is, sort of thing, yeah?
I don't always believe in manifestation sort of things, but one of the things I have taken from that philosophy like a magpie making off with a gem is the way Kacey Musgraves said "if a train is meant for me, it won't leave the station." I think there will be time for all that is meant for you- if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant for you. Sometimes I take that sort of thing as a challenge like "well, what about X that hasn't happened that I desperately want, why hasn't it happened??" and it feels like a nudge from the universe to go towards that thing, or that desire, do something with it, in a way.
i loved this comment, thank you for leaving it
I think that is just right.
This is all amazing, and as a mom to littles I especially love "hello to hella strong." I had no idea how strong I was until I carried a child in my body and then went through recovery from childbirth (no bouncing back included).
The phrase "bouncing back" can bounce off right to hell, IMO.
AMEN to that
amen! And for real I would rather give birth like five times than recover from it once BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET TO SLEEP. whose body is healing itself while awake? madness.
YES madness is exactly it.
Such madness! The combo of sleep deprivation and body healing, while trying to do alllll the things to keep the cutie well…well, dang. We are ah-mazing. Here’s to 2 minute naps in the car when arriving at work, pumping (or not), and celebrating all we did in that 1st year and beyond. I was 40 when I had my little guy and wowzers. Ha!
All that to say, you are doing great, mama!
Hello to a season of uncertainty in the future of my marriage…we have been experiencing turbulence for some time and I am admitting that I don’t know if it is meant to be forever…
Hello to your knowing and your heart and your courageous honesty, Jennifer. Sending lots of love.
It takes courage to even type those words. Sending lots of love during a hard uncertain time.
Reach out if you need to talk. That realization took my breath away and altered me in ways I'm still trying to figure out.
Hello to seeing, over and over, how self-destructive I can be. And reaching out anyway, as God gives me courage to do one tiny thing. Hello to another day of eating foods and amounts that harm my body...and to being given the gift of seeing a glimmer of the way out. With help, I am beginning to see how grudges have shaped my life. Ok, the only way out seems to be through. 2 different sources today talked about whether I'm mostly negative (hello to that) or positive (what I'd like to be.)
Hello to your honesty, Arla. Sending lots of love as you navigate the "through" with compassion.
Thanks for the love. It makes all the difference.
That sounds so difficult to navigate, but what a beautiful gift to acknowledge and start to see a way out. Praying for you as you navigate and continue to put in the work to a healthier life 🩷
Hello to everyone! This week I leave the comfort and familiarly of home and move to a new city to start simultaneously a new job, and a graduate program. Feeling overwhelmed, scared, and excited, and not sure where to find myself in the midst of it.
what an exciting life change moment! I feel like it's not that often you get a perfect new chapter- a perfect turn of the page onto blank white. You can choose a new nickname or go by your middle name. You could become a person who drinks black coffee, or wears cowboy boots. You could start growing mint in your kitchen window. So much freshness and possibility. I'm so excited for you!!!
When I studied abroad I video chatted with my family back home at least once a week and that made me feel anchored enough to be brave in the newness all around me. I hope you slip into your new life with ease and it treats you kindly. <3
Hello to a new chapter! How exciting for you! A New Beginning! Soon you’ll have organization but for now just set up your apartment. That’ll be great and keep you centered.
As for the nickname that Kellyanne mentioned. I did just that. When I moved to CA, I wanted to be a whole new person and yet I was unsure of who that person was. I wasn’t married any longer, so there’s that name and I wasn’t a maiden any longer so there’s that name. I started to go by what my mom calls me, Andie Lynn and it feels right, like a sweater that keeps me warm in a chill or warms sweet breeze.
The point is, try whatever you want and release yourself from the restrictions in your mind.
Your new routine will demand some of this from you and you will do it gladly.
This is so beautifully comforting, thank you my friend! I’m feeling the freshness of this new life already, and while overwhelming it is also liberating. Thankful for your words
Wow, Bailey, hello to a new season, indeed! Sending lots of love your way this morning. It takes so much courage and you're doing it! You're writing a whole new story, wow, you must be so proud of yourself!
I’m one week ahead of you! I’m in a new city, in a new country for a new job. There are so many big feelings with having so many beginnings all at once. Having my apartment set up feels great and is helping me lean in to the excitement of new people and places. In the hard moments I am reminding myself that “new” is hard, but the only way forward is through. I have a new journal and plans to find more balance in my new chapter. My goal is to say one extra social “yes” each week (I’m naturally an introvert who loves cozy reading). Congratulations! I wish you all the best in your new era!
Hello Emily! And yay to the both of us. I agree with the apartment thoughts, I’m sitting in my cozy space right now and feel so at home. Grateful for small mercies. I’ve been repeating the mantra “you can do hard things and you don’t have to do it alone” to myself. Hope your transition has continued to be well!
Wow, reading your "Hello" feels like looking into the past for me, Bailey.
I remember being exactly there, feeling that thrilling electricity of new beginnings as I entered grad school.
I have always loved new beginnings, New Years, birthdays, sunrises, springtime, how exhilarating to hold something in your hands that is bursting at the seams with possibility! It is a magical feeling to allow yourself to lean hard into imagining what could be, and knowing that you can make those musings reality in this very special "here".
Picking up everything and moving to where nobody knows me is something I have done voluntarily multiple times in my life. I think I'm addicted to this very specific thrill, haha!
My suggestion is simply to savor it. Mark the occasion with something special. I like to pick a day on the calendar, before I start the job or schooling or whatever, to just make a special moment in time acknowledging the new beginning. Saying "hello to here", as it were. Before the day arrives I will research a coffee shop in the new place that looks good, I'll research a great sunrise viewing spot, prep my journal/paint set/playlist, etc. Then when the day arrives I intentionally enjoy those things that fill me with hope and joy and beauty. Wonderful, and honestly, vitally necessary tools at the beginning of a long journey.
May you celebrate your new beginning in a way that rings most true and beautiful for you. May the inevitable challenges of schooling, making new friends, and navigating unfamiliar spaces, not invalidate the joy of new beginnings.
May you find your people fast, and surprise yourself by your own bravery in navigating those early stages of new friendships.
May you reach out when things get hard instead of choosing isolation.
And when necessary, may you say bravely those phrases that are often so hard to speak within the walls of academia: "I don't know" and "I need help".
Krista 🥹 this has been so helpful for me. I’ve felt the desire to jump in and be in a hurry, so slowing down and savoring has been necessary and required intentionality. I have in fact been surprised by my own bravery, it’s been fun and exciting ☺️
Yay! I'm so glad to here it = )
Thank you, Sarah, for this conversation.
Hello to the season of life where I am "peripheral." As a widow in my early 70s, with grown children and middle/high school aged grandchildren, living a distance from all of them, it was a stark realization that I am not "essential" to anyone (friends, either). If I suddenly disappeared, the lives of others would change very little.
Realizing this, my heart went through a transition from...
~hating the truth that I am peripheral to everyone,
~to accepting that truth,
~to becoming friends with that truth.
I have lovely relationships with LOTS of people -- immediate family, extended family, former co-workers, church friendships, hiking buddies -- and we certainly enrich each other's lives, but their lives would, indeed, change very little if I were not present. I am peripheral.
This topic of living in a "here" that is peripheral is not a topic that I can readily speak aloud because hear-ers misunderstand and want to argue with me. "Yes, you are too essential!" "You are essential to me!" This topic can easily sound like self-pity or whining. Others don't understand the nuance that I am filled-full and joyful, having become friends with this season of life.
Being peripheral is WAY different than living without purpose. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that I have a purpose every day. It may not be a big-picture purpose, like rearing decent humans or helping six-year-olds become literate; it is a daily paying attention to today's purpose. For example, this morning's purpose is to get the house presentable for this afternoon's visit with dear friends I only see once a year. This friendship enriches all our lives.
I can make choices every day that keep life rich and vital in the peripheral season of life.
Oh how your words resonate in me, Doris! I am 65, single, mother to 2 incredible adults who live many miles from me, grandmother to 3 who I love dearly and don't see nearly as often as I would like. In 2020 my dear parents died 4 months apart, my then-husband lost his job, I left my church of 30 years (which was my community), divorced, and am now trying to navigate this new place I find myself. It isn't bad at all, just very different...and that feeling of being on the periphery rings so true in me. Thank you for articulating what I've been feeling. I would love to hear more of your story. I'm starving for deep friendships.
Nita, you had a lot of losses. Love how you describe this time as being different rather than bad.
Nita, Thank you for sharing this. Losing a community creates a big need for connection.
You have experienced a LOT of changes and there is a grief that comes with each one. I appreciate your viewpoint of life being "different" but not bad.
Shalom.
You are loved and seen,Nita💗
Doris, I honor your truth of having purpose but also feeling peripheral. Just spent time with my mother who has dementia and she shared that she feels useless. I immediately wanted to reassure her that what she said was not true (basically wanted to protect her from those feelings, and she does not have friends or a community or family who live nearby). Your words remind me to let others have their truths and feelings and to be present rather than trying to fix. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I feel it in my future and it’s one of the things I’m most scared of. Your words bring some acknowledgment that it’s part of life and not necessarily bad. As someone who has had the “you must be productive” ethic drilled in, I have a very hard time not being billable/necessary/etc. Thank you for bringing a different perspective.
Thanks for this post! I like the notion of being peripheral as opposed to constantly wondering what's wrong with me. You've given me some new things to think about!
Hello to some deep wisdom, Doris. Wow, I've read your comment a couple of times now and I think there's some resonance and compassion in your words. It feels like discernment and I love your distinctions there. This is powerful and even freeing, I think, thank you for sharing it!
Thank you, Sarah, for your reply. I love your word, "freeing." Yes! Realizing that I am peripheral carried considerable grief at first, but as I slowly moved through acceptance to "making friends" with this season, it became freeing indeed. I am free to pay attention to the "right now," free to pay attention to the people I will encounter today, free to embrace today's purpose. Thank you.
Hello to Deep Grief. Our 28-year-old son, after a years-long battle with depression and anxiety, took his own life on Christmas Eve seven months ago. I have made peace with being on this journey and moving (or not moving, sometime) through the phases of this excruciating loss. I understand that this grief that will be with my husband and me for the rest of lives, but that we will learn to navigate it over time. When despair takes hold, I try to embrace the mantra: “Matthew’s life mattered. My life matters.” Thank you, Sarah Bessey, for this sacred space to share.
Sending so much love, Kelly. It feels so useless to say that I'm sorry but I am. And you're right, Matthew mattered - and matters still. And so do you. xo
My husband died by suicide the same time (New Year’s Eve), I love those words “His life mattered. My life matters.” 💛
Oh Whitney, my heart aches for you. I hope you have people coming alongside you as you mourn this tremendous loss
I read this on a social media group for parents who have lost children to suicide. It is a helpful and meaningful thing to remember on dark days
Sending lots of love, Whitney, thank you for sharing this with us. His life did matter and so does yours.
Oh Kelly….my heart sank reading your post. I’m three years out from losing my 28 year old son to an overdose. As I read your story, my heart, mind, body immediately went back to those first months of gut wrenching pain. How do you go on living when you’ve buried your heart? It’s an impossible task…. Time doesn’t take the pain away yet you will learn how to carry it with you. It’s almost like it morphs into your being becoming a part of who you are. Kelly - I pray that people still talk about & celebrate Matthew with you. I pray that Matthew’s life is remembered & cherished by those around you. I pray for all the “firsts” that are still to come this year, that you’ll be surrounded by friends who know how to love you well. I pray that you & your husband discover new traditions that will bring Matthew into each new year with you. Kelly - my heart goes out to you.
Tamee, your message is so beautiful and fills my heart. I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved child. There is really nothing quite like this, is there? We are only just now turning our attention to developing new traditions for the upcoming holidays. Crawling in a hole is not an option as we have two younger sons (one with autism) that we need to think of. Conversely, it is good we have them to pull us out of our tendency to want to crawl into a whole. And yes, we are blessed that our close friends and family are not afraid to bring up funny stories and memories about Matthew to keep our boy alive in our hearts. Peace and love to you on your journey
Tamee, this made me teary this morning. What a terrible beauty it is to offer prayer and comfort out of our own hurts and yet here you are. Joining with you in these prayers and hopes. Our heart is with you, too.
Oh Kelly, there are no words. I'm so deeply sorry.
Thank you
I’m sorry, Kelly, for Matthew’s loss. What a sadness.
Thank you for your kind words
Sending you <3 <3 <3. I am so sorry.
Thank you for your kindness, Julia ❤️
So sorry. Sending so much love to you, your husband and to Matthew ❤️
Thank you, Lauren. We gratefully accept all love, prayers, good vibes