Gah this hit me hard today... because actually WHY? I never comment on anything... but for me as a high school teacher in a VERY red state I guess I am still doing it for the kids. What other HS teachers will look kids in the face and tell them they are worth it, hug them on bad days, encourage different thinking and looking at both sides, and for me absorb their enthusiasm for life like its an actual lifeline. Thomas Merton's prayer is something I cling to when I think DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MATTER?
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Holli, thank you!!! You have no way of knowing, but I was given this prayer at a really dark time in my high school years. Thank you for being the teacher that all our kids need right now! And indirectly being mine today too.
My therapist actually shared this prayer with me when I was first starting therapy and we went back to it a lot to help me process. You are making a difference in the lives of kids and while you may never see the results of that, they will never forget your kindness.
It's probably not the "right" or "correct" answer, or maybe it is, I don't even care anymore. But I'm doing this for my kids. It's pretty easy for me to give in to despair, especially when I'm doom scrolling after everyone else in the house has gone to bed, and the darkness presses in, and everything feels awful and scary and impossible. And I think of my kids, and the world we're creating for them, that we're leaving for them. And then I know I can't give up or give in to the darkness. Because they deserve better.
Through COVID I lost a lot of my faith in people and in the goodness of humanity. I no longer trust humans to pull together to do the right thing for the good of us all.
But I haven't lost my belief that my kids, and other people's kids too, deserve better.
Hope is in short supply these days, but I will not, cannot, give up.
It must be terribly difficult when you have children. I'm sorry that you have had such a struggle. Good for you Karianne. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am doing this because my Grandparents lived through WWII in Ukraine and East Germany. They lost everything to Hitler and the Nazi's. They were displaced people, homeless and broke, but because they were sponsored by churches and cousins in the United States, they legally came here to the US with nothing and they built lives and grew families here. Their faith in God and their belief in the promise of America to immigrant peoples is what allowed me to be here.
I am doing this to stand up to the American Hitler and to give hope to my children and my grandchildren. I am doing this because when you have nothing else left, if you still have faith, it is the only actual thing that matters. I am doing this because this is who I am and because I am a child of God who loves all children of God without exception.
Karen. This is beautiful in so many ways. Love how it demonstrates how we stand on the shoulders and examples of others in our faith and in our presence in the world. And I love your answer to the question. But I am moved by your Christlike expansive and radicle inclusion. And I wonder how many of the currently shunned and exiled immigrants globally are saying with you”when you have…the only thing that matters.” Thank you.
I'm mostly just asking that same question - and at the same time, like Peter, asking 'where else would I go?' And in the meantime, trying to walk humbly.
I keep doing this because I need my hope anchored in a Jesus who transcends culture and chaos, where my hope isn’t anchored in a person or a denomination or even a particular Christian expression of faith, but in a Person who has overcome death and offers me the same power to overcome the thousand little and big deaths I witness every single day.
How do you rectify the Jesus you follow compared to the Jesus “they” follow? Because I can have the same faith in Jesus as you mentioned (I do), while other Christians who are completely different from me politically also base their decisions on the Jesus and bible. I struggle with that.
I struggle with this too, Lindsay, but I do not yet have clarity on what God is calling me to do as part of a new defining of His church in my context. So I am living by some core precepts that keep me moving forward in what I am certain of while asking Jesus to help me respond to others with equal measures of grace and truth. Not easy. I am not perfect. And in some ways it gets harder every day. Praying for all of us.
I'm with you - it is the answer that comes over and over in life in difficult times. Cultural Christianity, no - Jesus and the community of followers, yes.
Wow, this surprised me, thank you for sharing….I have always experienced Peter’s answer as “there is nothing that can begin to compare with being with You”, thank you for helping me see another way that God continues to give us freedom…..
I keep doing it because every time I think Christian nationalism and neo-colonialism has butchered the name of Christ beyond recognition, I come across someone who shows me Jesus in a new way. They keep coming up in my life, these grounded, wise, humble, justice-loving people who have gone through it and keep holding that stubborn hope. As I grow to accept I've reached middle age, God keeps bringing me these kinds of elders who I want to be when I grow up. And so, I keep hoping one day I can also be that same light to someone else.
At some point somewhere, Sarah, you said the phrase “we are a resurrection people”, and I’ve never gotten it out of my brain. I keep doing this (in full time ministry at the moment, which is its own WHOLE THING) because my identity, my inheritance, is dead things coming to life. No matter how dead, no matter how long, no matter what. Because Jesus wept, and then yelled “Lazarus come out.” So then I’m allowed to believe in a resurrection and still weep over death.
I'm reminded of the words of our woman of valor, Rachel Held Evans... "the story of Jesus is the story I'm willing to risk being wrong about."
I'm not confident in much, and I don't know that I believe or trust in anything 100% because it's not in my nature, but I love the story of Jesus and the belief that all of this matters (maybe not in the way I grew up thinking it did).
Sometimes, i desperately ask this same question but then...But then I see the majesty of a tiny bird in flight or feel the warmth of the sun on my face or glimpse the colours of the sky. And in these ongoing, constant little miracles of wonder, i hear a whisper -- "I love you, child. This is for you." And I just can't let go of the little-girl knowledge I've always had of the Divine. I don't understand church anymore; I struggle with the theology of rejection and the anger of us vs them. But in my deepest gut I know Love is. And I just can't let go of that. The only thing I'm sure of in this wilderness season is that He hasn't let go of me either. 💜
Thanks so much for introducing me to Erin! It’s been hard to hold on to hope recently but I keep reminding me that those in power want me to believe it’s hopeless and they’ve already won. So hope itself is a kind of resistance.
Definitely asked this question on more than one occasion until I shifted my definition of "this". Reading the OT showed me that the 'faith' circus happening around me is nothing new and that the call has ever been to get off the train of power and control and focus on justice, humility and mercy. I'm learning the faith I aspire to has always been about swimming upstream. Once I adjusted my expectations and definitions, I was able to soldier on towards a "this" that makes way more sense to me and feels far more real. Brokenhearted much of the time when I look around but no longer surprised and so very grateful to find others who share that heartbreak and hope.
I just can't give up on Jesus, in whom I see compassion, empathy, love. And it made people blazing mad (just like it does today...) - it's the only thing I can hold on to (the only thing that holds on to me?) these darkening days.
I left the US for NZ on Jan 20, purposefully, with grim determination that being with friends in a diverse and kinder far distant environment would help restore some positive eff'in' reasons for embracing hope and love. Glitches arise in any big changes and journey. God has reminded me to depend on Him. I have felt the Lord in the beauty of this place and in the ways challenges have been met, and I know family and friends have been praying for me as I have for them. So far, 15 days into this flight/visit/adventure, I have found more balance in visiting friends and learning about the New Zealand culture's priorities and values away from the chaos at home. I am thankful.
why? because despite mounting evidence to the contrary, i still believe there's something greater for me and mine. also because i'm stubborn and my work ethic won't let me give up without some semblance of a fight.
I’ve prayed for decades to become a mum. For the intimacy in my marriage to be restored so we can be lovers as well as best friends. I’ve asked others to pray with me. There’s been no answer. Or maybe the answer is No - now that I’m almost 50 and no babies in sight. I was taught that being a mother is the greatest accomplishment I could ever have. And not having it meant I was somehow incomplete. Even though I yearned for it for decades. I still didn’t get that prayer answered the way I had hoped. I’ve given up on it all a thousand times. But this persistent hope inside my deepest heart refuses to go out. Refuses to die.
I remember a lot days where God was the only one I could be honest with. The only one who was there when I cried. God has restored many aspects of my marriage that I thought was lost. We are in many ways stronger than we’ve ever been and I’m so happy I forgave and he forgave and we both stayed. So why hasn’t God restored that one part of sexual intimacy and given us kids? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that all this time, God held onto me. I didn’t really want to leave but I also didn’t know why I stayed in my faith. Especially now with the church just utterly bereft of light, love & decency. It’s sickening to witness. But God held onto me, is holding onto me and the hope within my soul stays alive, even despite myself. I guess now it’s not me doing this, it’s God holding me up so I can continue on the faith journey. Not some dumb footprints in the sand analogy but maybe that applies too in a way
🙄🙄 Point is - God is with us, continues with us in our humanity, holds us up in despair and mourns with us when we need it. It’s kept me close thru the years.
Thank you for sharing, your words of “God held onto me, is holding on to me” is such gift, I don’t need to and at times can’t hold on to God, because God holds me……Wonder if “footprints in the mud” might also apply?
I truly do not know why I am still doing it but here are just random thoughts my husband and I have processed these weeks. First, we don't get to chose the time in which we are placed ( thank you Gandalf). Second, nations rise and fall. Millions have lived through these times before us and will when we are long gone. Third, I cannot walk away from the women in prison where I lead a Bible study. I just can't. I can't stop for my kids who left the church years ago in a place of utter contempt for the hypocrisy and white nationalism that has become the American church.
To all who have responded here, I am praying for all of us as a community that God pours out the Spirit to show us each how to live in the kingdom today, tomorrow, and the day to come-always reflecting the Saviour.
Gah this hit me hard today... because actually WHY? I never comment on anything... but for me as a high school teacher in a VERY red state I guess I am still doing it for the kids. What other HS teachers will look kids in the face and tell them they are worth it, hug them on bad days, encourage different thinking and looking at both sides, and for me absorb their enthusiasm for life like its an actual lifeline. Thomas Merton's prayer is something I cling to when I think DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MATTER?
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
-Thomas Merton
Holli, thank you!!! You have no way of knowing, but I was given this prayer at a really dark time in my high school years. Thank you for being the teacher that all our kids need right now! And indirectly being mine today too.
Bless you! What a sweet comment (brb crying)
Yes! God bless your commitment to our kids. We live in a deep red state and I hate the path the schools are going.
Holli, that was just what I needed to hear today. Beautiful, so thank you from my bone weary heart. Thank you for being a teacher and what you do.
Thank you for sharing that prayer!
Thank you!!! What a gift you just gave!
My therapist actually shared this prayer with me when I was first starting therapy and we went back to it a lot to help me process. You are making a difference in the lives of kids and while you may never see the results of that, they will never forget your kindness.
Oh man, totally met me where I needed it 🤧
Thank you so much for sharing this, Holli
It's probably not the "right" or "correct" answer, or maybe it is, I don't even care anymore. But I'm doing this for my kids. It's pretty easy for me to give in to despair, especially when I'm doom scrolling after everyone else in the house has gone to bed, and the darkness presses in, and everything feels awful and scary and impossible. And I think of my kids, and the world we're creating for them, that we're leaving for them. And then I know I can't give up or give in to the darkness. Because they deserve better.
Through COVID I lost a lot of my faith in people and in the goodness of humanity. I no longer trust humans to pull together to do the right thing for the good of us all.
But I haven't lost my belief that my kids, and other people's kids too, deserve better.
Hope is in short supply these days, but I will not, cannot, give up.
"But I haven't lost my belief that my kids, and other people's kids too, deserve better.
Hope is in short supply these days, but I will not, cannot, give up."
That's a good reminder, well said!
This.
It must be terribly difficult when you have children. I'm sorry that you have had such a struggle. Good for you Karianne. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am doing this because my Grandparents lived through WWII in Ukraine and East Germany. They lost everything to Hitler and the Nazi's. They were displaced people, homeless and broke, but because they were sponsored by churches and cousins in the United States, they legally came here to the US with nothing and they built lives and grew families here. Their faith in God and their belief in the promise of America to immigrant peoples is what allowed me to be here.
I am doing this to stand up to the American Hitler and to give hope to my children and my grandchildren. I am doing this because when you have nothing else left, if you still have faith, it is the only actual thing that matters. I am doing this because this is who I am and because I am a child of God who loves all children of God without exception.
Karen. This is beautiful in so many ways. Love how it demonstrates how we stand on the shoulders and examples of others in our faith and in our presence in the world. And I love your answer to the question. But I am moved by your Christlike expansive and radicle inclusion. And I wonder how many of the currently shunned and exiled immigrants globally are saying with you”when you have…the only thing that matters.” Thank you.
I'm mostly just asking that same question - and at the same time, like Peter, asking 'where else would I go?' And in the meantime, trying to walk humbly.
I keep doing this because I need my hope anchored in a Jesus who transcends culture and chaos, where my hope isn’t anchored in a person or a denomination or even a particular Christian expression of faith, but in a Person who has overcome death and offers me the same power to overcome the thousand little and big deaths I witness every single day.
How do you rectify the Jesus you follow compared to the Jesus “they” follow? Because I can have the same faith in Jesus as you mentioned (I do), while other Christians who are completely different from me politically also base their decisions on the Jesus and bible. I struggle with that.
I struggle with this too, Lindsay, but I do not yet have clarity on what God is calling me to do as part of a new defining of His church in my context. So I am living by some core precepts that keep me moving forward in what I am certain of while asking Jesus to help me respond to others with equal measures of grace and truth. Not easy. I am not perfect. And in some ways it gets harder every day. Praying for all of us.
I'm with you - it is the answer that comes over and over in life in difficult times. Cultural Christianity, no - Jesus and the community of followers, yes.
Same here. I've heard Peter's answered described as 'the barest minimum' or 'not really good enough', but it has always deeply resonated with me.
Wow, this surprised me, thank you for sharing….I have always experienced Peter’s answer as “there is nothing that can begin to compare with being with You”, thank you for helping me see another way that God continues to give us freedom…..
Yes, Peter’s question “Where else would I go?” is one that often resonates with me too.
Because, as Sam tells Frodo in the movie version of The Two Towers, I believe there's some good in this world...and it's worth fighting for.
I keep doing it because every time I think Christian nationalism and neo-colonialism has butchered the name of Christ beyond recognition, I come across someone who shows me Jesus in a new way. They keep coming up in my life, these grounded, wise, humble, justice-loving people who have gone through it and keep holding that stubborn hope. As I grow to accept I've reached middle age, God keeps bringing me these kinds of elders who I want to be when I grow up. And so, I keep hoping one day I can also be that same light to someone else.
At some point somewhere, Sarah, you said the phrase “we are a resurrection people”, and I’ve never gotten it out of my brain. I keep doing this (in full time ministry at the moment, which is its own WHOLE THING) because my identity, my inheritance, is dead things coming to life. No matter how dead, no matter how long, no matter what. Because Jesus wept, and then yelled “Lazarus come out.” So then I’m allowed to believe in a resurrection and still weep over death.
What does it mean to be a “resurrection people”?
I'm reminded of the words of our woman of valor, Rachel Held Evans... "the story of Jesus is the story I'm willing to risk being wrong about."
I'm not confident in much, and I don't know that I believe or trust in anything 100% because it's not in my nature, but I love the story of Jesus and the belief that all of this matters (maybe not in the way I grew up thinking it did).
Yes, I so resonated with these words of hers. <3
Sometimes, i desperately ask this same question but then...But then I see the majesty of a tiny bird in flight or feel the warmth of the sun on my face or glimpse the colours of the sky. And in these ongoing, constant little miracles of wonder, i hear a whisper -- "I love you, child. This is for you." And I just can't let go of the little-girl knowledge I've always had of the Divine. I don't understand church anymore; I struggle with the theology of rejection and the anger of us vs them. But in my deepest gut I know Love is. And I just can't let go of that. The only thing I'm sure of in this wilderness season is that He hasn't let go of me either. 💜
Here for this. Amen ❤️🙏🏾
Thanks so much for introducing me to Erin! It’s been hard to hold on to hope recently but I keep reminding me that those in power want me to believe it’s hopeless and they’ve already won. So hope itself is a kind of resistance.
Joy is a form of resistance is my new life motto. It's all I can do some days to say it, but somehow even that helps.
Definitely asked this question on more than one occasion until I shifted my definition of "this". Reading the OT showed me that the 'faith' circus happening around me is nothing new and that the call has ever been to get off the train of power and control and focus on justice, humility and mercy. I'm learning the faith I aspire to has always been about swimming upstream. Once I adjusted my expectations and definitions, I was able to soldier on towards a "this" that makes way more sense to me and feels far more real. Brokenhearted much of the time when I look around but no longer surprised and so very grateful to find others who share that heartbreak and hope.
I just can't give up on Jesus, in whom I see compassion, empathy, love. And it made people blazing mad (just like it does today...) - it's the only thing I can hold on to (the only thing that holds on to me?) these darkening days.
I left the US for NZ on Jan 20, purposefully, with grim determination that being with friends in a diverse and kinder far distant environment would help restore some positive eff'in' reasons for embracing hope and love. Glitches arise in any big changes and journey. God has reminded me to depend on Him. I have felt the Lord in the beauty of this place and in the ways challenges have been met, and I know family and friends have been praying for me as I have for them. So far, 15 days into this flight/visit/adventure, I have found more balance in visiting friends and learning about the New Zealand culture's priorities and values away from the chaos at home. I am thankful.
why? because despite mounting evidence to the contrary, i still believe there's something greater for me and mine. also because i'm stubborn and my work ethic won't let me give up without some semblance of a fight.
I hear you on that stubborn work ethic! We're a roll-up-the-sleeves kind of people, aren't we?
I’ve prayed for decades to become a mum. For the intimacy in my marriage to be restored so we can be lovers as well as best friends. I’ve asked others to pray with me. There’s been no answer. Or maybe the answer is No - now that I’m almost 50 and no babies in sight. I was taught that being a mother is the greatest accomplishment I could ever have. And not having it meant I was somehow incomplete. Even though I yearned for it for decades. I still didn’t get that prayer answered the way I had hoped. I’ve given up on it all a thousand times. But this persistent hope inside my deepest heart refuses to go out. Refuses to die.
I remember a lot days where God was the only one I could be honest with. The only one who was there when I cried. God has restored many aspects of my marriage that I thought was lost. We are in many ways stronger than we’ve ever been and I’m so happy I forgave and he forgave and we both stayed. So why hasn’t God restored that one part of sexual intimacy and given us kids? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that all this time, God held onto me. I didn’t really want to leave but I also didn’t know why I stayed in my faith. Especially now with the church just utterly bereft of light, love & decency. It’s sickening to witness. But God held onto me, is holding onto me and the hope within my soul stays alive, even despite myself. I guess now it’s not me doing this, it’s God holding me up so I can continue on the faith journey. Not some dumb footprints in the sand analogy but maybe that applies too in a way
🙄🙄 Point is - God is with us, continues with us in our humanity, holds us up in despair and mourns with us when we need it. It’s kept me close thru the years.
Thank you so much for sharing so openly, Carol. There's a lot of hard-won wisdom in your words!
Thank you for sharing, your words of “God held onto me, is holding on to me” is such gift, I don’t need to and at times can’t hold on to God, because God holds me……Wonder if “footprints in the mud” might also apply?
I truly do not know why I am still doing it but here are just random thoughts my husband and I have processed these weeks. First, we don't get to chose the time in which we are placed ( thank you Gandalf). Second, nations rise and fall. Millions have lived through these times before us and will when we are long gone. Third, I cannot walk away from the women in prison where I lead a Bible study. I just can't. I can't stop for my kids who left the church years ago in a place of utter contempt for the hypocrisy and white nationalism that has become the American church.
To all who have responded here, I am praying for all of us as a community that God pours out the Spirit to show us each how to live in the kingdom today, tomorrow, and the day to come-always reflecting the Saviour.