When I pulled at the threads of my spiritual tapestry enough to discover that I was actually not straight, I spent a good three years in prayer, marinating in worship music and teachings from a certain very popular, very conservative charismatic church that was associated with my home church. I jumped feet first in because their focus at the time was fully on unconditional love and acceptance by God, no matter who you were.
I still remember the visit to the church in 2018 where I was standing in the middle of the crowd at the front fully engaged in worship, overtaken by the peace of God and full-conviction of His love and acceptance of my entire identity. Followed immediately by the realization that I would have recriminations rained down on my head if I did what I saw others do and asked for the microphone to share the conviction that God said I could be fully queer and still fully His.
It started a whole chain of events that ended in me dating my now-wife later that summer, leaving my home church after taking her there and getting a number of shocked and horrified glances, and starting a whole new spiritual journey in the welcoming embrace of Reconciling Methodists. But I still can't shake the three years of being slowly convinced of God's love for me and His full acceptance, the number of times I asked, "but what about...?" and was always answered with, "yes, even then," culminating in that moment where I was finally released into full freedom to accept and love myself wholly.
I’m so sorry for what you both went through. And so grateful that you have used that pain to grow and help others. You’ve helped this 77 yr old woman who was only allowed to teach women and children in the church. I’ve come a long way, Baby, and now speak whenever and to whomever I want 🥰. As loud as I want too!
Thank you for this. I don't know Emily or her work, but I'm looking forward to the exploration. In reading your intro, Sarah, and Emily's guest post, I am reminded of 2 things: 1) we don't ever really know what it costs someone to gift themselves to us in the way they do. CeCe Winans sings so beautifully of the oil in the alabaster box and I'm thinking of it here but only as a metaphor for lives lived, us as the box and the oil within as the way we live and move and have our being in the world -- large or small, seen or unseen, mundane or fantastic and large -- it all matters to someone and that's the beauty of being interconnected. But that yes to allow others to experience our vulnerability is also weighty. 2) I'm thinking of what it means to be accepted and loved and cherished and especially known. The thing I've missed most on this side of the journey as my own circle of women friendship has evolved is the kinship of comrades interested in holding an expansive conversation about God, about spirituality. I don't want the thoughts about God that I had before, but I also don't want to be without God at all. Inclusion and expansiveness allows me to honor what was and to make room for what is or what will be. The care, the nurture, the being with I sense in this article gives me hope of what's possible. Perhaps "hope" is my very own stow away! Thank you for that.
A lot of wisdom in your comment Felicia (as always...) - I think you hit on something good there about relationship and community as part of our inclusion and expansion. Reminds me of Fr. Richard Rohr's "transcend and include" in some ways.
She stuck with you... That got my eyes a little misty. I have been in some churchy circles where some folks ran when I brought up Black Lives Mattering or my love and support for LGBTQIA folks. As tough as I can be it did hurt but, the love from those that still hang in there with me is so BEAUTIFUL and appreciated. And on the "are we still calling ourselves Christians" matter I heard a pastor say yesterday that he can not stand it when folks say "I am a Christian" he said because if your nasty hateful actions mean Christian keep it away from me. He said he wanted to see christ like behavior and loving your neighbor without ever mentioning that you are a Christian and I was like PREACH!!!!!!
Thank you both for this piece. Emily, I believe you may have received the gift of tears - something Ignatius of Loyola wrote about, along with a few other medieval Christian mystics. The Spirit prays in us in sighs too deep for words - and sometimes She weeps in, with, for, and through us.
I am weeping as I read your words and recognize the myriad of ways God weaves herself through our stories, even in awkward and unexpected times. Two women I admire so much and had no idea had a connection. What a gift you found in each other and what a gift we now have in your sharing. Thank you.
Absolutely beautiful. I loved Emily's book and am so glad to see her writing here, and to know more about her connection with you, Sarah.
I think I'm at the stage of "there will be things you can’t take with you... like clarity, explanations, a sense of being understood, or the luxury of being able to tell your side of the story" -- all that rings SO TRUE -- but maybe sometime soon I'll start investigating the things at the bottom of my suitcase that made the journey with me. Thank you both for the encouragement to do so.
Whew! Wow! Thank you for this today. I desperately would love to find faith these days, I have missed it for so long. I love the thought of reclaiming the parts that belong to us all as a fresh start.
Wow! Brought tears to my eyes, shivers and gladness. Tears because I felt both of your love for God and community, shivers because I believe your meeting was God ordaining, gladness because you are there for each other, lifting, encouraging and stewarding onward as we should in the Christian community. To me, this is a miracle that God used and is using to further His gospel message of love, forgiveness, community, compassion and discipleship. Praise The Lord for Friends such as you two are to each other and your testimony to the world!
A beautiful post, thank you. "I share this now in case there’s a chance you might be in a threshold between feeling lost and wanting to rebuild something." Yes. Love to you both for your wisdom and kindness.
Sarah. Enjoyed Emily’s article. Both your voices are what I needed to be. I am so glad to have walked away from my church and the toxic friends I had yet now I am struggling what to do just feeling list. Thus helped. Thank you
Emily, your testimony speak of whispers of hope that there may be something after the wilderness season and I’m so grateful to carry your words with me today and forward. Thank you.
Sending love to you both. You've been through some hard times. I feel the same way about LGBTQIA allies like you, Sarah, and others who considered the cost worth it to be vocal public supporters. 💜💜💜 It's a rare gift to encounter the resolute courage to say No to the giants in the Evangelical Industrial Complex. It's not something I take lightly.
Re: that last footnote - I see so many who try to walk the line, to be "privately affirming" 🫠 while not putting their friendships or reputation or platform or influencer status at risk. Their career and reputation matter above all. They might issue words of support for their (White, cis straight) ally friends who are getting particularly bad hate, but they would never be allies to the LGBTQIA community themselves and "just want to love on" us in our "sinful lifestyle." It's just ironic, you know? The sleek, Cool Good Guys in positions of fence-riding power who golly gee whiz just want us all to get along, and they speak up for affirming allies they know personally who get hit by the stones of hate... but would never publicly say the same for the poor, confused, "struggling" queer people those allies are standing up to be a shield FOR. Missing the entire point! haha I'm sure it's hard not to look them in the eye, sigh, and go "mmmm no you don't get it at all, try again, bro." And not just men but the women too. They fight for themselves to get power, and their "freedom" talk stops there.
Emily's story made me shiver in a good way. I'm going to go for a walk and see what the Holy Spirit may be saying to me - a somewhat beleaguered Canadian minister who is trying to do right by Jesus and by our congregation and community and knows how often our attempts to offer expansive welcome are limited by our human foibles
When I pulled at the threads of my spiritual tapestry enough to discover that I was actually not straight, I spent a good three years in prayer, marinating in worship music and teachings from a certain very popular, very conservative charismatic church that was associated with my home church. I jumped feet first in because their focus at the time was fully on unconditional love and acceptance by God, no matter who you were.
I still remember the visit to the church in 2018 where I was standing in the middle of the crowd at the front fully engaged in worship, overtaken by the peace of God and full-conviction of His love and acceptance of my entire identity. Followed immediately by the realization that I would have recriminations rained down on my head if I did what I saw others do and asked for the microphone to share the conviction that God said I could be fully queer and still fully His.
It started a whole chain of events that ended in me dating my now-wife later that summer, leaving my home church after taking her there and getting a number of shocked and horrified glances, and starting a whole new spiritual journey in the welcoming embrace of Reconciling Methodists. But I still can't shake the three years of being slowly convinced of God's love for me and His full acceptance, the number of times I asked, "but what about...?" and was always answered with, "yes, even then," culminating in that moment where I was finally released into full freedom to accept and love myself wholly.
"yes, even then" - selah. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I’m so sorry for what you both went through. And so grateful that you have used that pain to grow and help others. You’ve helped this 77 yr old woman who was only allowed to teach women and children in the church. I’ve come a long way, Baby, and now speak whenever and to whomever I want 🥰. As loud as I want too!
Thank you for this. I don't know Emily or her work, but I'm looking forward to the exploration. In reading your intro, Sarah, and Emily's guest post, I am reminded of 2 things: 1) we don't ever really know what it costs someone to gift themselves to us in the way they do. CeCe Winans sings so beautifully of the oil in the alabaster box and I'm thinking of it here but only as a metaphor for lives lived, us as the box and the oil within as the way we live and move and have our being in the world -- large or small, seen or unseen, mundane or fantastic and large -- it all matters to someone and that's the beauty of being interconnected. But that yes to allow others to experience our vulnerability is also weighty. 2) I'm thinking of what it means to be accepted and loved and cherished and especially known. The thing I've missed most on this side of the journey as my own circle of women friendship has evolved is the kinship of comrades interested in holding an expansive conversation about God, about spirituality. I don't want the thoughts about God that I had before, but I also don't want to be without God at all. Inclusion and expansiveness allows me to honor what was and to make room for what is or what will be. The care, the nurture, the being with I sense in this article gives me hope of what's possible. Perhaps "hope" is my very own stow away! Thank you for that.
. I don't want the thoughts about God that I had before, but I also don't want to be without God at all.
Thank you. That statement speaks a clarity to me…a struggle I have not named but felt.
A lot of wisdom in your comment Felicia (as always...) - I think you hit on something good there about relationship and community as part of our inclusion and expansion. Reminds me of Fr. Richard Rohr's "transcend and include" in some ways.
She stuck with you... That got my eyes a little misty. I have been in some churchy circles where some folks ran when I brought up Black Lives Mattering or my love and support for LGBTQIA folks. As tough as I can be it did hurt but, the love from those that still hang in there with me is so BEAUTIFUL and appreciated. And on the "are we still calling ourselves Christians" matter I heard a pastor say yesterday that he can not stand it when folks say "I am a Christian" he said because if your nasty hateful actions mean Christian keep it away from me. He said he wanted to see christ like behavior and loving your neighbor without ever mentioning that you are a Christian and I was like PREACH!!!!!!
PREACH, indeed! That's a good word. And I'm glad you had a few people stay with you, sometimes even just one is all we need.
❤️
Thank you both for this piece. Emily, I believe you may have received the gift of tears - something Ignatius of Loyola wrote about, along with a few other medieval Christian mystics. The Spirit prays in us in sighs too deep for words - and sometimes She weeps in, with, for, and through us.
Thank you for this. What a beautiful re-frame.
I am weeping as I read your words and recognize the myriad of ways God weaves herself through our stories, even in awkward and unexpected times. Two women I admire so much and had no idea had a connection. What a gift you found in each other and what a gift we now have in your sharing. Thank you.
Oh, my! 2 of my spiritual thought gurus in one post. What a gift! What a grace! Thank you, Sarah and Emily, from the depth of my Spirit and spirit.
Absolutely beautiful. I loved Emily's book and am so glad to see her writing here, and to know more about her connection with you, Sarah.
I think I'm at the stage of "there will be things you can’t take with you... like clarity, explanations, a sense of being understood, or the luxury of being able to tell your side of the story" -- all that rings SO TRUE -- but maybe sometime soon I'll start investigating the things at the bottom of my suitcase that made the journey with me. Thank you both for the encouragement to do so.
Whew! Wow! Thank you for this today. I desperately would love to find faith these days, I have missed it for so long. I love the thought of reclaiming the parts that belong to us all as a fresh start.
blessed by the beauty of 2 special and dear souls. thank you Sarah, and thank you Emily. <3
Wow! Brought tears to my eyes, shivers and gladness. Tears because I felt both of your love for God and community, shivers because I believe your meeting was God ordaining, gladness because you are there for each other, lifting, encouraging and stewarding onward as we should in the Christian community. To me, this is a miracle that God used and is using to further His gospel message of love, forgiveness, community, compassion and discipleship. Praise The Lord for Friends such as you two are to each other and your testimony to the world!
A beautiful post, thank you. "I share this now in case there’s a chance you might be in a threshold between feeling lost and wanting to rebuild something." Yes. Love to you both for your wisdom and kindness.
Sarah. Enjoyed Emily’s article. Both your voices are what I needed to be. I am so glad to have walked away from my church and the toxic friends I had yet now I am struggling what to do just feeling list. Thus helped. Thank you
Wow. Thanks you Emily and Sarah.
Emily, your testimony speak of whispers of hope that there may be something after the wilderness season and I’m so grateful to carry your words with me today and forward. Thank you.
Sending love to you both. You've been through some hard times. I feel the same way about LGBTQIA allies like you, Sarah, and others who considered the cost worth it to be vocal public supporters. 💜💜💜 It's a rare gift to encounter the resolute courage to say No to the giants in the Evangelical Industrial Complex. It's not something I take lightly.
Re: that last footnote - I see so many who try to walk the line, to be "privately affirming" 🫠 while not putting their friendships or reputation or platform or influencer status at risk. Their career and reputation matter above all. They might issue words of support for their (White, cis straight) ally friends who are getting particularly bad hate, but they would never be allies to the LGBTQIA community themselves and "just want to love on" us in our "sinful lifestyle." It's just ironic, you know? The sleek, Cool Good Guys in positions of fence-riding power who golly gee whiz just want us all to get along, and they speak up for affirming allies they know personally who get hit by the stones of hate... but would never publicly say the same for the poor, confused, "struggling" queer people those allies are standing up to be a shield FOR. Missing the entire point! haha I'm sure it's hard not to look them in the eye, sigh, and go "mmmm no you don't get it at all, try again, bro." And not just men but the women too. They fight for themselves to get power, and their "freedom" talk stops there.
Emily's story made me shiver in a good way. I'm going to go for a walk and see what the Holy Spirit may be saying to me - a somewhat beleaguered Canadian minister who is trying to do right by Jesus and by our congregation and community and knows how often our attempts to offer expansive welcome are limited by our human foibles